1/13/2025
Unfortunate news Blue Demon nation… DePaul has been DeSucking this week. In order to soften the blow, I’ve decided to deliver this news in the form of a poem:
Last chilly Wednesday, old DePaul
Took a loss to Seton Hall.
Score was 85-80,
A score difference as slim as Shady.
Just when Blue Demons needed a savior,
They took another loss to Xavier.
77-63,
Kept missing those pointers of three.
Next Tuesday, DePaul is set
To take on the men of Marquette.
Blue Demons versus Golden Eagles,
Can DePaul take this ring like Smeagol?
On a serious note, I wouldn’t feel too bad about these losses this past week. Xavier is the name of a middle school bullying victim, and Seton Hall is named after DePaul’s second-worst dorm building. So by my standards, DePaul remains on top.
12/23/2024
Blue Demons… more like Blue Stinkins with the way they played this week. As I slowly become a basketball expert, let’s look into the facts.
On Saturday, the Blue Demons tanked 64-84 against Northwestern, a gap larger than Northwestern’s froufrou acceptance rate.
DePaul had 16 fouls over Northwestern’s 11, because DePaul is cool. We break rules. I would be unsportsmanlike too if I had to deal with those Northwestern nerds. Sorry, too harsh. Maybe I shouldn’t declare war on Northwestern via basketball column.
Earlier in the week, DePaul lost 61-89 to St. John’s. Not much to report here, so I’ve decided to retain my promise from last week and tell you all about goalkeeping.
From what I’ve gathered, it’s when a player interferes with a ball on its way to the basket. Like hitting it away from the hoop. Or kicking it into the crowd. Or blowing on it like a birthday candle.
It may not be a good week to be a Blue Demon, but at least I’m not a stuck up Evanston dork who lies about going to school “in Chicago”. Nice try, Wildcats. It’s a suburb.
12/17/2024
Wowza! A whirlwind week for DePaul’s Men’s. Where to begin… We had two games this week. Lots of opportunities for me to learn more about basketball, for which I have realized through writing this column that I know very little.
On Tuesday, December 10th, DePaul took a 63-70 loss to the Providence Friars after going into overtime. Providence outnumbered DePaul in turnovers, or so I hear. I can only assume a turnover is a backflip, in which case, major props to Providence for the stellar acrobatics.
Providence also had more points in the paint, so I imagine, by the end of the game, the court was quite messy .
Saturday, December 14th, DePaul beat Wichita State 91-72. I’ve been hearing that it was an “upset” for the Blue Demons. Why are they upset? They won. Maybe it’s because they had 8 steals; I heard that crime really weighs on the conscience.
Stay tuned for this week, where DePaul will be taking on both St. Johns and Northwestern. In the meantime, I’ll be trying to figure out what goaltending means…
12/6/2024
Guys what is basketball?
Last Wednesday, December 4th, DePaul's Blue Demons took a loss of 62-76 against Texas
Tech. While I am devastated about this loss, I believe this truly begs the question- what is basketball?
I've tried to watch it before, and I don't think I get it.
Okay, so I know they shoot baskets, obviously. And one team has one hoop and the other team has the other hoop. You would think basketball would be simple to understand. Yet, it's far more complicated than I anticipated it being
.
On Google, it says that DePaul scored 3 out of 6 free throws, and Texas Tech scored 13 out of
17. Why did Texas Tech get 17 free throws? I don't think that's fair.
And another thing, what are assists? Is it like calling someone for help? Maybe a coach? Or is it like adding lane bumpers to a bowling game? If anyone could help me out, I would appreciate the knowledge.
All in all, this was a great game! I think. Maybe not, I'm not totally sure. When DePaul takes on
Providence next Tuesday, December 10th, I'll try to figure out some more basketball things, and let you guys know my findings.
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