Domination Rankings Of Everything

DOMINATION RANKINGS OF EVERYTHING

Click here to: VOTE

Uh, Dave, what are we voting for.

Well, we decided to expand the Domination Rankings of college basketball a bit to include - everything. The result: essentially a satire on all rankings.

Here's how it works - sort of:

Our voters come up with a weekly Top 25 which can be found by going to our TikTok page - or, yeah, by just scrolling below. Always nice to have options though.

Again, If you'd like to be one of our voters just click here: VOTE

Thanks for playing.

Dave Barend - Grand Poobah

College Basketball Times

Top 25 Domination Rankings of Everything - September 17, 2026

25 Spiderman (was 20) - The Chairman of Sony Pictures says he does’t know when Spiderman 5 will be released. Seems to me like, someone should tell him.

24 Stress (New) - Brand new study shows that stress can actually cause deformities in brain cells. But if you have some marijuana - that will kill them right off. 

23 MrBeast (New) - Old Navy has started a back to school promotion with MrBeast. A great promotion, with one little problem: MrBeast dropped out of school.

22 Fitness (was 10) - A new fitness trend is called “slow jogging.” It’s great for anyone who doesn’t want to admit they are just walking.

21 College Football (was 24) - Notre Dame’s players will be wearing a SoFi patch in exchange for $20 million. ND considered going with a cross. But Jesus wouldn’t match the offer.

20 IMAX (New) There are over 100 IMAXs in China. You would think someone would have eventually asked, “Hey don’t we already have something really huge to projected movies on?”

19 The Cloud (was 25) The Navy’s records were just moved to the Cloud after years in an old building in a tornado zone, with no back up. So if you are thinking the Cloud is ultra safe please remember that for years the Navy decided that keeping its records in old building located in a tornado zone, with no back up was safer than the Cloud.

18 A Good BM (was 16) - The Huffington Post reported that "A smooth, sausage-like stool means your digestion is running at the perfect pace.” People have found that very helpful. Well, not people trying to sell sausage.

17 Roblox (was 23) You can now race Usain Bolt in Roblox.  And by you I mean you, not me. No chance I can figure that out. 

16 Love (was 11) - Pope Leo informed the youth of the world that love is not fleeting, but a lifelong commitment. Oh no - said every eighth-grade boy who wants to break up with his girlfriend.

15 Memes (New) - Scientists claim that sharing animal memes strengthens friendships. Clearly those scientists never spoke to any of my former friends.

14 Ella Langley (was 18) - If Ella Langley’s “Choosin’ Texas” can top the charts for just 2 more weeks it will pass Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” for most weeks at number 1.  She’s supposedly planning a long term reign at the top. Yeah, she might want to look at a calendar.

13 Nostalgia (was 21) I love the word nostalgia. It feels regal, vibrant and intelligent while meaning stupid crap from the past.

12 Bacon (was 8) - A lot people think it tastes good, but a lot of people think that about - Cigarettes  In fact cigarette companies should be pissed at Bacon. Bacon can lead to high bold pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease and cancer. Yet there is no warning on bacon. That shouldn’t just have a warning it should have: a skull and cross bones next to the Grim Reaper.

11 LeBron (was 6) - LeBron James owns a restaurant called Buckets. Here’s hoping that’s not a reference to what you need when you finish eating.

10 Making People Laugh (returns) - In the late 1800s it was thought that laughing could kill women. They had no such fear with men apparently, because everyone knows men are usually too stupid to get the joke.

9 Butter (was 15) - A butter sculpture in NY is being converted into electricity - and enough to power 600 homes. Makes you think that maybe the primary use of butter should be creating electricity. Instead of, you know, creating coronary artery disease.

8 Democracy (was 5) - According to The Guardian, Democracy can be saved if people will just read more. So in other words - Democracy cannot be saved.

7 Winning (was 14) - A study from Duke concludes that the win-at-all-costs attitude of sports fans impacts their behavior. I don’t know about that. Win or lose, a sports fans behavior pretty much stays the same: sit on the couch and watch the game. 

6 Pizza (was 9) - Chuck E. Cheese is not renewing the leases at many of its locations because apparently people do not want to eat where they’ve seen mice. 

5 Air Fryer (was 19) - People are buying glass air fryers in order avoid exposure to forever chemicals. Really? Because I don’t think you can purchase an air fryer and then be like “I am now protected from all forever chemicals!”  I’m pretty sure no doctor has ever said, “If you don’t want to worry about forever chemicals just buy a glass air fryer.” If so I’ll take 2. Maybe the second one will eliminate fears of COVID.

4 Jesus (was 3) A woman interrupted a Rosh Hashanah service, urging Jewish congregants to embrace Jesus. Well ok, said none of them.

3 Sleep (was 1) - Pink noise has been found to be more helpful with sleep than white noise. To be clear, pink noise is deep flat sound. And not songs but the musician, Pink. That’s just noise.

2 Sex (was 4) - A couple in England were video recorded having sex on a ferris wheel.  The video now has a warning that it may cause nausea. Not sure it that’s because of the ferris wheel or because of the sex.

1 Instagram (was 12) - Jennifer Lawrence announced she will be finally joining Instagram. And it’s now official - I’m the only one who hasn’t. 

Others Receiving Votes: Happiness, Indoor plumbing, Space, Guinness, Air, Hope, Water, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, iPhone, Genetics, The Sun, Algorithms, Honey, Nvidia, Podcasts, Money, PB&J, Protein, Airplanes, Gut Health, Crunch Berries, Amazon, Uber, Bachelor Parties, Oil, ChatGPT, Pickleball, NYC, Smoothies, Deodorant, Influencers, Dogs, ESPN, Pro Wrestling, Coffee, Google, Weddings, Ear Buds, Netflix, Legos, Taylor Swift, Stockmarket, Steak, The Pope, TV, Birthdays, EVs, Sneakers, Child Birth, Drones, Couples Arguing Publicly, Wine, Donuts, DoorDash, Peace, MentalHealth, Spotify, Cheesy Bread, Venmo, Back Massages, NASA, Vegas, Diet Coke, Elvis, TikTok, Gold, Eggs, Disney, Fan Duel, Waffles, Soap, UFC, Fun, Snoopy, Ford Trucks, Cyber Security, Rome, AC, Fishing, Grilled Cheese, Sight, Messi, Zoom, Pasta, Probiotics, Golf, Michael Jordan, Star Wars, Michael Jackson, Joey Chestnut, Milk, SpaceX, The Godfather, World Cup, Ice Cream Trucks, Refrigerators, March Madness, Harry Styles, Stanley Cup, Wizard of Oz, Gatorade, Minions, Whales, BMW, Shohei Ohtani, Weed, Texas, Mozart, Chalamet, The Simpsons, Survivor, Superman, Bit Coin, Remote Controls, Furnaces, Sun Glasses, Chinese Food, Summertime, Casinos, Shakespeare, Jeans, Electric Guitar, da Vinci, Disc Golf, Weighted Blankets, Snow Blowers, Shorts, Backpacks, PS5, CWS, Motocross, Tailgating, Batman, Fall, SNL, Grandmothers, Quarter Zips, Beds, Wayne Gretzky, Piano, Sunflower Seeds, Red Zone, Dating Apps, Sharks, Premier League, Sales, Minecraft, Motown, Snow, Steph Curry, Meryl Streep, South Park, Grand Canyon, Protests, Toothpaste, Playing Cards, Carson Hocevar, Napa Valley, Reality Shows, Steam Engine, Banana Bread, Ted Williams, Taco Bell, Tom Cruise, Sight, Drake, Tiger Woods, Jeep, Paul McCartney, Cats, Big Pretzel, Tom Cruise, Internet, Sabrina Carpenter, Niagara Falls, Mustard, Dale Earnhardt, Leg Day, Sliced Bread, Mr. Rogers, Friday Night Lights, Caitlin Clark, Quotable Movies, Thumbs, Goodyear Blimp, Alabama Women's Wheelchair Team, Saltine Crackers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Harry Kissinger, Pancreas

Top 25 Domination Rankings of Everything - September 2, 2026

25 The Cloud (was 18) - Anthropic just paid $45 billion to rent a cloud. And yet folks in New York City claim their rent is high. 

24 College Football (Returns) - The SEC announced a rule forbidding former NFL players because it’s the right thing to do. Which now makes me think it’s the wrong thing to do.

23 Roblox (New) I told my daughters I want to try Roblox. And their response was, "Uh Dad did you mean Maalox? Roblox, no. Maalox we could see.”

22 Indoor Plumbing (was 1) - Maryland’s program that it started last year to assist homes without indoor plumbing received huge support - especially from the street cleaners.

21 Nostalgia (was 19) - Gen Z is apparently nostalgic for clothes from the 1990s. Well, do I have a wardrobe to show you.

20 Spiderman (was 25) - Spiderman is dominating the box office. Which makes sense - he’s Spiderman. And all they have are boxes.

19  Air Fryer (was 14) - I just saw an article ranking the Cosori Iconic as the sexiest air fryer. That’s clearly wrong because every knows - there is no such thing as a sexy air fryer! Imagine you are on a date and the person says, “You know, I have a very sexy air fryer,” what should you do? If your answer is anything other than run like hell, you are wrong.

18 Ella Langley (new) - To the new generation Ella Langley is the face of country music. And to the old generation, Langley is an Air Force base.

17 Algorithms (was 24) - Sotheby’s auction house has developed an algorithm to find out what a piece of art is worth. Unfortunately they’ve given up on an algorithm to find out what a piece of art means.

16 A Good BM (was 23) -  I just learned that one can actually become a certified poop-master. So I told my wife and she said, “Don’t even think about it.”

15 Butter (new) - According to the FDA Bettergoods Pistachio Nut Butter may kill you. So they recommend using regular butter which will not kill you - as fast. 

14 Winning (was 22) - New research shows that losing leads to poor and impulsive decisions. Damn, if only I had met the Swedish Women’s Volleyball team after a loss.

13 Genetics (was 5) - A genetics company’s data breach may have exposed medical conditions. Well to who? It’s one thing it was to just some scientists, but it’s another if it was to Tinder and Hinge. And all of sudden your profile now comes with a flashing warning: Mutant DNA! Mutant DNA!

12 Instagram (returns) - Instagram is limiting the amount of usage by teenagers to just 2 hours per day - unless a parent adjusts the setting. So in other words, Instagram is in limiting the amount of usage by teenagers, in no way at all. 

11 Love (was 13) - Archaeologists in Pompeii discovered a 2000 year old love note written on a wall. It remains unclear why someone would think they could pass a wall without their teacher noticing.

10 Fitness (was 20) Researchers have concluded that the age when fitness begins to decline is 35. Apparently those researchers did not speak to any 12 year olds from Arkansas. 

9 Pizza (was 9) -The pizza making robots at Moto Pizza in Seattle have officially failed. The good news, now we know how to tell if someone is actually a robot: can they make a decent pizza. But wait a minute, I can’t make a decent pizza. Maybe I’m robot.

8 Bacon (was 12) - Bacon is actually cured with nitrates, but the positive is if you are out and need a quick fix you can just down some fertilizer. Or in a pinch, suck on some lead.

7 Space (was 8) - People feared the launch of the Nancy Grace Roman telescope was going to be unnecessarily difficult. But those were just people who didn’t realize it’s called the Nancy Grace ROMAN telescope. 

6 LeBron (was 4) - LeBron, who will be playing for the 76’ers, is going to live in New York and then travel to Philly for the game. Seems like a lot. Well, unless you are a Knicks fan

5 Democracy (was 16) - In ancient Athens many government officials were chosen by a random drawing. Imagine if that happened now. You’re heading to vacation, but you get a call saying you can’t go. “”Why?” “You’ve been randomly selected” “For what?” “President.”

4 Sex (was 6) - A proposal was made to the Los Angles City counsel that sex huts be created so the homeless have a place to masturbate. Seems like there has to be a better solution to the homeless masturbation problem than providing them sex huts - like, I don’t know, providing them homes.

3 Jesus (was 2) - After 10 years of digging, archeologists believe they have found the lost city of Bethsaida where Jesus performed many miracles. Though it probably would have been a bit easier on the archeologists if one of those miracles was keeping the city of Bethsaida from being lost. 

2 Happiness (was 7) - The happiness index indicates that happiness is up in Canada. Well of course it is. All they have to do to laugh is look south.

1 Sleep (was 15) One out of three adults says they are not getting enough sleep. And the other two were smart enough not to have kids.

Top 25 Domination Rankings of Everything - August 18, 2026

25 Spiderman (Returns) - The new Spiderman movie has this summer’s highest gross. Impressive, especially since one of its competitors was Jackass. 

24 Algorithms (was 14) - Spotify has plans to exclude AI generated artists from its recommendation algorithm. And yet it has no plans to exclude Milli Vanilli

23 A Good BM (was 25) - Health Secretary RFK Jr. is embracing a diet that promises poops that are orgasmic. The downside is that sex will become pretty shitty.

22 Winning (New) - It has been determined that winning actually increases testosterone. Great news, well, for men. But women now know why, after they win something, their mustache gets thicker.

21 Birthdays (was 13) - I just learned that there is actually something called the Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Research Center. Imagine working at the Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Research Center. Every time someone asks where you work, you have to say you work at Chuck E. Cheese. But then you’d feel compelled to say, well not at a Chuck E. Cheese, at the Chuck E Cheese Birthday Research Center. And then you’d realize - that doesn’t really sound any better. 

20 Fitness (was 22) - A fitness expert just announced that the boat pose, sitting with your body in a “V”, is the one exercise you need to do for a stronger core. Unfortunately, the expert also revealed, you need to do it more than once.

19 Nostalgia (new) There used to be a band called Nostalgia. Boy I miss them.

18 The Cloud (was 23) - Amazon calls its cloud service A-W-S because it would have been way too accurate to call it A-S-S.

17 Podcasts (was 21) The New York Times says there are 8 wellness podcasts you should listen to. Whereas I say, you might want to instead try exercising. 

16 Democracy (New)- Democracy started in 6th century BC Greece. Which I’m guessing did not sit well with Zeus. 

15 Sleep (was 10) Having trouble sleeping in a new place is called first-night-effect. I didn’t know that. I thought first night effect was what would happen after I slept with a woman for the first time. Though that would have been called last-night-effect.

14 Air Fryer (was 7) - A food critic just wrote an article entitled, “Ninja’s New Oven Air Fryer Can Replace Almost All Your Kitchen Appliances.” Well what a bout refrigerators?)Folks don’t worry. This fridge isn’t going anywhere. The Refrigeration Domination Rankings are not going to become the Ninja Oven Air Fryer Domination Rankings.

13 Love (was 15) A couple in Dubuque is set to celebrate 65 years of marriage. Wow, 65 years is a long time to be in love. Though to clarify, the couple is set to celebrate 65 years of marriage.

12 Bacon (was 2) - Bacon actually requires more resources than Data Centers. At least with Data Centers you get knowledge. What do you get with bacon? Clogged arteries.

11 AC (was 1) - Only 20% of homes in Europe have air conditioning. So what do the other 80% have? BO.

10 Hope (was 17) This past week there was a walk for hope, a bike ride for hope and a run for hope. Apparently, no one  informed these people that hope can be obtained without working out. “Listen, hope is a feeling, not six-pack abs!”

9 Pizza (was 16) - After a fire burned down a Minneapolis pizza place, the owners asked their customers help pay the staff. And the customers said they’d love to - if they hadn’t just wasted their money on burnt pizza.

8 Space (new) This past week, people from around the world flew to Iceland to look at an eclipse. When asked if it was worth it they said, “Of course not, we’re blind.”

7 Happiness (was 11) - Surveys reveal that married people are happier than unmarried people. And that’s because married people know how to lie. “Dinner was great last night, Honey.” “Thanks so much for the beautiful tie.” “I couldn’t be happier.”

6 Sex (was 5) Experts are calling the country’s current massive drop in overall sexual frequency a  “sex recession”. But they’ve come up with a fix: don’t get married.

5 Genetics (was 18) - Scientists have found rules of genetics that date back over 2 billion years. And yet no one in my family can find the rules to our Monopoly game. 

4 LeBron (was 9) LeBron’s brand new sneaker comes with a carbon fiber notch. That’s going to be super helpful when you want to take your sneaker and - turn it into a golf club.

3 Water (was 4) - The Great Salt Lake is shrinking. They’re not sure why, but my guess: Margaritas.

2 Jesus (was 3) - An insurance company in England denied coverage for a car that displayed the message “Jesus Loves You.” I can actually see that. If a car thief sees that message, he could think, “Great! Must be ok to steal the car.”

1. Indoor Plumbing (was 20) - 2/3 of rural households in Russia don’t have indoor plumbing. Which means that none those husbands ever have to hear their wives yell, “You forgot to put the seat down!"

Top 25 Domination Rankings - August 3, 2026

25 A Good BM (was 23) - Experts announced that food at Taco Bell is causing diarrhea. To which every Taco Bell customer responded, “Duh.”

24 Sunglasses (was 13) Solar Optics is creating sunglasses that block facial recognition cameras. You can get a pair for a whopping $100. Or you can just wear a hood.

23 The Cloud (was 25) - OpenAI is spending $750 billion on the cloud. Imagine if I tried to do that. “Honey, I’m going to spend seven hundred. . .” “No you’re not.” “Let me finish. I’m going to spend seven hundred and fifty . . .” “No you are not!” “You never let me finish! I’m going to spend seven hundred and fifty billion . . .” “Are you out of your mind!”

22 Fitness (New) - Researchers are warning against addiction to fitness. And none of that research was conducted in Alabama.

21 Podcasts (was 24) - Classic novels are now being turned into podcasts. And their success proves that podcasts are not, as experts claim, about the art of conversation. They are instead about avoiding conversation -  even if it means listening to the same books that made high school unbearable. 

20 Indoor Plumbing (was 11) - Due to a bacteria in the water, residents in New York City’s Lower East Side have been told not to shower. Yikes. Now all of these people are going to smell like, well, New York City.

19 Protein (was 20) -Scientists can now turn solar power into protein. So toss that sunscreen and maybe get some big muscles. Or maybe just skin cancer.

18.Genetics (new) - Science Daily announced that a major genetic breakthrough has revealed the cause of morning sickness during pregnancy. I kind of think we already know the cause of morning sickness during pregnancy. Pregnancy. 

17. Hope (was 6) - 2/3 of Americans report being hopeful. And the other third report being literate.

16 Pizza (was 10) - Saw a headline stating Pizza Hut was sold for almost 3 billion dollars. But I thought it said Jabba the Hutt because, you know, that would have made more sense. Who the hell buys Pizza Hut for almost 3 billion dollars? I tell you who - someone who has never eaten at Pizza Hut.

15 Love (was 8) Detroit has started an initiative called “Caravan of Love.” Which I learned is not a bunch of van driving prostitutes.

14 Algorithms (new) Workers are suing Meta claiming an algorithm led to unfair terminations. They would like it rewritten so that it starts with “eeny meeny miny moe.” 

13 Birthdays (was 16) Gisele Bundchen just had a birthday and decided to celebrate in a leopard-skinned bikini. And many people were displeased. I get it. I too would have preferred she celebrate her birthday - in her birthday suit.

12 Shorts (was 15) - Women in Japan want men to stop wearing shorts to work because they are disgusted by the sight of leg hair. Which they apparently find more disgusting than the sight of crotch sweat stains.

11 Happiness (was 2) - Researchers say that more money will not make you happy. It should be noted that none of those researchers work for Publishers Clearing House.

10 Sleep (was 3) - Sleep experts say ending daylight saving time will reduce morning light, making it really hard to wake up. Ok, but then why are people with curtains ever able to wake up?

9 LeBron (was 21) - LeBron is heading to the Sixers and teaming up with Joel Embiid. Wow. The only question is if they’ll be willing to share. Share what? The crutches?

8 Mental Health (was 17) I have attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Which is a lot to say. So my wife shortens it - to asshole.

7 Air Fryer (was 9) - Due to rise in fires, Ireland has issued a warning for people to properly clean their air fryers. First step use soap and water. Not Guinness.

6 Weddings (was 1) - Four Minnesota Twins players chose the same wedding dates. You’d think at least one of them would have been smart enough not to get married.

5 Sex (was 7) - Young adults report having sex 3.5 times a week. Guys would actually rather it be 3. Because half of sex isn't sex—it's just pain.

4 Water (was 22) -A water main break closed Santa Monica Boulevard. That's concerning. I mean, where’s Sheryl Crowe going to go to have some fun?

3 Jesus (was 5) - Archeologists recently discovered a very well preserved early image of Jesus inside a tomb. The same cannot be said for the body.

2 Bacon (new) Bacon has aromatic hydrocarbon - the technical way of saying it has that unforgettable scent, you know, of colorectal cancer.

1 AC (was 4) Thieves in Denver stole air conditioners from a church. A church! But in their defense, they’re going to need them given where they’re headed.

Top 25 Domination Rankings - July 18, 2026

25 The Cloud (was 24) - Before forwarding your data to the Google cloud, Apple will send you a pop up. And that’s because it hasn’t yet figured out how to stick a wet finger in your ear.

24 Podcasts (New) - A new survey reveals that 20% of podcast users prefer watching while they are commuting. Might there be something else they should be watching?

23 A Good BM (Returns) - Kansas has had a record number of cases of explosive diarrhea. They’re actually so powerful that scientists are now thinking that maybe it wasn’t a tornado that sent Dorothy to Oz

22 Water (was 8) - Water bills in Ohio are skyrocketing and people are blaming the meters. Friggin’ metric system.

21 LeBron (Returns) - Sad to see LeBron leave LA. But it just goes to show nobody over 40 gets work in that town.

20 Protein (was 22) - According to the Today Show the #1 plant based protein to eat during menopause in tofu. So that got me thinking that maybe I should do a special refrigeration domination rankings of the plant based proteins to eat during menopause.But then I remembered, I really don’t care. 

19 World Cup (was 5) - FIFA will be selling pieces of grass from the World Cup final at Giants Stadium. No word on whether they'll charge more for pieces that include Jimmy Hoffa.

18 Honey (was 14) - Research reveals that putting honey on your skin can prevent aging. And amongst those really hoping this catches on: bears.

17 Mental Health (was 21) - US Department of Health is giving 281 million dollars to those with mental health problems and addictions. The people with mental health problems are thinking this is great. And people with addiction are thinking, “How many kilos is that?”

16 Birthdays (was 15) - Ringo Starr just had a birthday. And when Paul McCartney found out he said, “Who?”

15 Shorts (was 11) Bloomberg just published an article asking whether workers should be allowed to wear shorts to the office. And the answer: yes, if those workers are Taylor Swift or Margot Robbie.

14 Fan Duel (was 19) - FanDuel is opening a casino in Alberta, Canada. And yet I still have no desire to go to Alberta, Canada. 

13 Sunglasses (was 18) - France’s president Macron wore Top Gun sunglasses while at the NATO summit with Donald Trump. Makes sense to me. Wouldn't you rather show up looking like Tom Cruise than show up looking like a basketball? 

12 Gut Health (was 23) - A Wash U study indicates that our bad gut health effects our kids. So we should feel guilty. But what about how our kids’ gut health effects us? Think about how many times your kids have puked on you.

11 Indoor Plumbing (was 4) - Indoor plumbing has existed in India for over 6,000 years. That’s pretty hard to believe, especially if you have ever been in a New York City cab.

10  Pizza (was 6) - A pizza place in Hawaii was temporarily shut down after an inspector found rodent droppings in its pizza. Temporarily?! What could they possibly do to make things right? Put up a big sign that says, “Sorry we have been serving rat crap. We promise to do better”? How could they possibly do any worse?! And you have to wonder how the inspector found out. Taste? Then that's one impressive palate. Apparently it's not easy to tell the difference between pepperoni and poop.

9 Air Fryer (was 20) - According to a recent article, the number one thing that should never be air fried is eggs.(Huh, and I would have thought it’d be humans.

8 Love (Returns) - According to NewScientist .com, the key to a long lasting loving relationship is self-expansion. So now couples across American have a scientific reason to keep getting fatter.

7 Sex (was 3) - A news report stated that Oakland will barricade intersections to curb sex trafficking, and some fear it will hurt businesses. I'm guessing especially the business of sex trafficking.

6 Hope (New) According to Psychology Today, hope can actually lead to change. So go ahead, cross your fingers. And prove Psychology Today wrong.

5 Jesus (was 7) - A descendent of Muhammad is now following Jesus. And he's also looking for a place to spend Thanksgiving.

4 AC (was 2) Over 16,000 people in Alabama do not have AC. And interestingly, over 16,000 people in Alabama do not know how to spell AC.

3. Sleep (was 17) - Experts now say that getting one more hour of sleep per night can reverse weight gain. And now everyone at Planet Fitness is asking for a refund. 

2. Happiness (was 12) - According to Harvard’s happiness expert, life is pretty grim without community. I don’t know. I thought that show sucked.

1.Weddings (was 10) - Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly spent $50 million on their wedding. I say good for them. That’s a whole $50 million that definitely will not be part of the divorce.

Top 25 - Domination Rankings - July 3, 2026

25 Diet Coke (was 22) - There is now brand new Diet Coke Cherry. It’s for those who think cherry tastes even better with aspartame.

24 The Cloud (was 16) - Due to its domination of the cloud, Microsoft has returned $233 billion dollars to its shareholders. So, I should probably be a little less excited when I get an $18 dollar check in the mail from Rakuten.

23 Gut-Health (New) - New research shows that eliminating sugar is actually bad for gut-health. And labels saying ”Great For Gut Health" are already being printed by Coca-Cola.

22 Protein (was 18) -Protein drops down to 22 which is fine with me. After dealing with 2 teenage daughters, I’m very much anti-teen.

21 Mental Health (was 15) - YouTube just agreed to a huge settlement with a teenager who claimed the video site impacted his mental health. But the really good news is through this we’ve learned how to get a teenager’s mental health issues to go away: just give them money.

20 Air Fryer (was 7) - I just read an article by some woman entitled, “Why I Can’t Stop Using the Ninja Crispi Air Fryer? And her next article will be, “Why I Can’t Find A Boyfriend.”

19 Fan Duel (was 23) - FanDuel has shifted its strategic focus to profitability. You know, now that it has everyone addicted to gambling.

18 Sun Glasses (was 21) -A man had to be extracted by firemen after falling into a flushless toilet while trying to retrieve his sunglasses. This man is now the only person ever to look into a toilet and think, “I want to put that on my face.”

17 Sleep (was 14) - Researchers have announced that sleeping too much can lead to aging. That's surprising - to anyone unfamiliar with Rip Van Winkle.

16 Minions (was 17) - Variety Magazine says the latest Minions movie has hit a creative high. That’s major praise from esteemed critics who clearly - have never seen The Three Stooges.

15 Birthdays (New) - The best day of the year growing up was  my birthday. A day dedicated just to me! And the worst day? Well, that’s the day I found out other people were born on my birthday. 

14 Honey (New). - Archaeologists found perfectly edible, 3,000-year-old honey in Egyptian tombs. Good for those archaeologists. But wouldn’t it have been easier to just carry a protein bar?

13 Oil (Was 10)- Economists are advising everyone to take advantage of falling oil prices. Truly great advice - for everyone who owns a tanker

12 Happiness (was 20) - After years of research a doctor in California has concluded that people can use happiness as a mask to hide something sinister. Seems like that doctor could have saved some time if he just had Batman introduce him to the Joker.

11 Shorts (new) Shorts were invented in a tea house. It’s true. And I know what you’re thinking: “What the hell’s a tea house?”

10 Weddings (was 24) - The current most requested wedding present is money for a mortgage. So what does this tell you about this generation? When they finally decide to get married, they still expect everyone else to take care of them.

9 ChatGPT (was 8) -The newest version of ChatGPT will only be made available to entities trusted by Donald Trump. So congratulations - McDonalds.

8 Water (was 4) - University of Texas has developed a jacket that converts water vapor from the air into drinking water which is just great - for those who drink through their nipples.

7 Jesus (was 3) -Archaeologists have made a conclusion about a gemstone found at the site where Jesus performed miracles: It belonged to a man or a woman. So apparently, they've ruled out orangutans and octopuses.

6 Pizza (was 6) - Pizza Hut has been purchased by LongRange Capital which really doesn't sound anything like Pizza Hut. And if you've been to Pizza Hut, you know that's a good thing.

5 World Cup (was 12) - There was big controversy over whether rainbow flags would be allowed at the World Cup matches in Seattle. Apparently the city doesn’t forever want to be associated with - rain.

4 Indoor Plumbing (was 11) The Water Research Foundation has determined that modern toilets reduced water usage by 47% per flush. They also found those same toilets had a 47% increase in floating poops.

3 Sex (was 1) - Minneapolis will no longer be banning sex venues such as bath houses. So you can expect a trip to Minneapolis for Mr. Clean and Mr. Bubble.

2 AC (Returns) - The owner of Roses Discount Store is being taken to court because his air conditioning is broken. He’s actually looking forward to his day in court. Apparently they have working air conditioning.

1 Summertime (was 5) - Experts say that a heat stroke can occur in as little as 10 minutes. So if you are going out for one or two mile run this summer and you want to avoid heat stroke - just run faster.

Others Receiving Votes: Summertime, Messi, Air, The Sun, iPhone, NYC, Oil, Joey Chestnut, Uber, Amazon, Money, Dogs, Making People Laugh, Netflix, Airplanes,The Pope, Winning, Instagram, ChatGPT, Crunch Berries, Drones, ESPN, Deodorant, Peace,, Venmo, NASA, Nvidia, Wine, Vegas, Google, Donuts, Influencers (new) Steak, Diet Coke, Coffee, Gold, Eggs, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Guinness, Taylor Swift, Ear Buds, PB&J, UFC, Legos, TV, Fishing, Waffles, Child Birth, Soap, Spotify, Grilled Cheese, Sneakers, TikTok, Zoom, Superman, Pasta, Pro Wrestling, Ford Trucks, Probiotics, Pickleball, Disney, Couples Arguing Publicly, Golf (new) Elvis, Rome, Stockmarket, Cyber Security (new) Michael Jordan, Star Wars, Michael Jackson, Milk, SpaceX, The Godfather, Ice Cream Trucks, Refrigerators, March Madness, Harry Styles, Stanley Cup, Wizard of Oz, Gatorade, DoorDash, Minions, Whales, Breathing, Bachelor Parties, BMW, Shohei Ohtani, Back Massages, Weed, Texas, Mozart, Chalamet, The Simpsons, Survivor, Bit Coin, Remote Controls, Furnaces, Chinese Food, Snoopy, Casinos, Cheesy Bread, Shakespeare, Jeans, Spiderman, Electric Guitar, da Vinci, Disc Golf, Memes, Weighted Blankets, Snow Blowers, Backpacks, PS5, CWS, Motocross, Tailgating, Batman, Fall, SNL, Grandmothers, Quarter Zips, Beds, Wayne Gretzky, Piano, Sunflower Seeds, Red Zone, Dating Apps, Sharks, Premier League, Sales, Minecraft, Motown, Snow, Steph Curry, Meryl Streep, South Park, Grand Canyon, Protests, Toothpaste, Playing Cards, Carson Hocevar, Napa Valley, Reality Shows, Steam Engine, Banana Bread, Ted Williams, Taco Bell, Tom Cruise, Sight, Drake, Tiger Woods, Jeep, Paul McCartney, Cats, Big Pretzel, Tom Cruise, Internet, Sabrina Carpenter, Niagara Falls, Mustard, Dale Earnhardt, Leg Day, Sliced Bread, Mr. Rogers, Friday Night Lights, Caitlin Clark, Quotable Movies, Thumbs, Goodyear Blimp, Alabama Women's Wheelchair Team, Saltine Crackers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Harry Kissinger, Pancreas

Top 25 - Domination Rankings - June 16, 2026

25 Harry Styles (was 21) - During one of Harry Styles’ recent concerts he forgot the words to a song. On the positive side, no one could accuse him of lip-synching.

24 Weddings (New) - At our wedding my wife’s vows were supposed to be love, honor and obey. But she changed it to love, honor and obey unless it’s on sale and she really needs it.

23 FanDuel (was 25) - FanDuel is being sued for unfair and deceptive practices. Their defense is they’re a gambling company - of course they are unfair and deceptive.

22 Diet Coke (was 18) - Supermodels apparently pour Diet Coke on their high heels because it will help keep them from slipping. And because drinking it would be almost like eating something.

21 Sun Glasses (was 22) - Barbie and Ken styled sun glasses will soon be available. Yes, now is your chance to protect your eyes with the same sun glasses that for decades have been protecting Barbie and Ken's non-real eyes.

20 Happiness (New) - Research shows that happy people live longer. I think this is actually good news for people who aren’t happy - now you know that your misery will end soon.

19 DoorDash (was 12) - DoorDash has just secured a new permit to continue serving Boston. And now all the DoorDash workers are thinking, “Why the hell would we want to do that again?!

18 Protein (was 15) - There is a high expectation that a Whey protein shortage is coming. Yikes. I can already see the headlines: “No Whey!”

17 Minions (New) - I’m excited for the new Minions movie because I actually have two minions - though my wife would prefer I refer to them as our daughters. 

16 The Cloud (New) - There is a massive movement to private clouds. I guess the thinking is if you go with the public cloud your kid’s never getting into Harvard.

15. Mental Health (New) -Journey Health Systems just had a mental health art contest. Worked out well. The winner was overjoyed. And the losers became patients.

14 Sleep (was 11) - A new study says that sleeping more than 8 hours can lead to a reduction in brain volume. And I say big deal. The way I see it is the more I sleep the less I need my brain.

13 Probiotics (was 20) - There is a new probiotic wafer that will improve the gut health of - fish. Yes fish. Do you really think fish worry about their gut health? I’m guessing they have other worries. Like, being eaten.

12 World Cup (was 14) - Donald Trump has already blamed Europe for any spread of Ebola in the US during the World Cup. That’s got to comfort everyone here. Because the most important thing to anyone with Ebola is knowing whose fault it was.

11 Indoor Plumbing (was 9) - There is currently a need for 550,000 plumbers. Or one really huge plunger. 

10 Oil (was 24) - A recent Alaska Arctic oil lease sale received a mere 2 bidders. Congress is trying to figure out what caused a chilling effect on the interest. My guess: the words Alaska and Arctic.

9 Texting (was 16) - Scientists have made it harder for people to fake their identity when they send texts. Great, just as long as they don’t make it harder to fake not getting  a text. “Honey, I’m telling you I didn’t get your text.”

8 ChatGPT (was 1) A billion people per month use ChatGPT. So you have to wonder, is there anything in this world anymore - that people already know?

7 Air Fryer (was 2) - Headline in Food and Wine magazine: “Cuisinart has Answered the Ninja Crispi Air Fryer.” I say stay away from the Cuisinart. Never buy an air fryer made by anyone who thinks they speak.

6 Pizza (was 3) - A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pizzeria will soon be open. It perfect for those who find Chuck E Cheese insufficiently tacky.

5 Summertime (Returns) - This summer Carnival Cruise is cracking down on bikini wearing. That may be a good thing given that they are in no way cracking down on the all you can eat buffets.

4 Water (was 5) - The GAP is under fire for consuming 28 billion liters of water. Well, seems like they wouldn’t be so hot and thirsty if they'd just take off those damn hoodies.

3 Jesus (was 8) - 60,000 people attended a rally for Jesus in a town near Amsterdam. Yes, Amsterdam. I guess there just wasn’t enough temptation in Vegas.

2 Air (was 10) - Scientists can now predict the movement of particles in the air. And those scientists have been offered jobs by Kalshi.

1 Sex (was 6) - A guy who owns a foot-fetish company in Albany has been charged with sexual assault. Seems like he has a pretty good defense, “All I like is feet!”

Top 25 - Domination Rankings - June 1, 2026

25 FanDuel (was 18) - Erin Andrews is now the spokesperson for FanDuel’s new initiative: Play with a Plan.Yeah, I don’t see many guys being up for that initiative unless they also get to play with Erin.

24 Oil (was 11) - Good news: over the past few days oil tankers have become increasingly able to safely make it through the Strait of Hormuz. And over that same period,  captains of oil tankers have become increasingly able to hold their breath.

23 LeBron (was 10) - Lebron James is now a free agent. Which makes him the only thing free that costs about $53 million dollars. 

22 Sun Glasses (New) - Google touts that its new intelligent sun glasses can: answer questions, provide directions, make calls and take photos. And nowhere on that list is - block the sun.

21 Harry Styles (was 16) - Harry Styles is undeniably a great singer and - a fantastic name for a hair salon.

20 Probiotics (new)- There is now a shift with probiotics toward highly strain-specific therapies. And I wish I could explain what that means. In fact, I wish I could explain what probiotics means.

19 NBA Playoffs (was 20) The Knicks had to wait 9 days between the 3rd round of the playoffs and the Finals. They could’ve actually booked a flight on Artemis II around the moon. Yeah, that wouldn’t have made sense. What would they have done when they got back with all that extra time? 

18 Diet Coke (was 14) - Diet Coke fans are currently in a huge battle with Coke Zero fans. So both sets of fans need to be brought together - and introduced to beer.

17 Paul McCartney (was 24) - On Colbert’s last show, Paul McCartney sang, “You say goodbye, and I say hello.” Crowd loved it - especially the stalkers.

16 Texting (was 25) - New research has found that text messaging can actually decrease the risk of a heart attack. So when I told my daughter that texting can actually be good for you, she said, “I told you so.” Well, actually she texted it to me.

15 Protein (was 1) - Scientists discovered a circuit from your gut to your brain that triggers a protein craving. Unfortunately, that circuit isn’t as fast as the one for craving more potato chips.

14 World Cup (was 19) - Iran, with whom we are currently at war, is moving its World Cup team’s base from Arizona to Mexico. Then it’ll just go back and forth from Mexico to the US for the games. So good thing we have that wall. 

13 Underwear (was 8) - A truck driver was convicted of smuggling $9.7 millions dollars or cocaine in Kim Kardashian’s underwear. You’d think he could have fit a lot more in there. 

12 DoorDash (New) - DoorDash spends millions on lobbyists to avoid paying drivers benefits. But the drivers could actually afford those benefits. Just join the lobbying efforts against those benefits.

11 Sleep (was 15) - The Seattle Seahawks employ 5 people to make sure the team gets enough sleep. Whereas the NY Jets don’t worry about sleep as their players seem to find enough time during the games.

10 Air (Returns) - I just read an article entitled, “I Miss Breathing.” Turns out, I read dead people.

9 Indoor Plumbing (was 21) - A 2000 year old running toilet was found in a Chinese king’s tomb. Makes sense to me. If this king happened to wake up after 2000 years, think about how badly he’d have to pee. Heck I have to pee badly after just 2 hours.

8 Jesus (was 2) - Elon Musk says his new company Neuralink will soon create “Jesus-level miracles.” He later apologized fearing that he might have offended Donald Trump. 

7 The Pope (was 22) - Pope Leo went to part of Italy known as a hotbed for toxic waste, and found profits there “dizzying”. But no problem with the smell.

6 Sex (was 4) New research shows that sex education is failing men. And that is surprising - only to men.

5 Water (was 12) - Folks in Georgia want to get rid of a data center that has led to mud sliding out of faucets. Wouldn’t an easier solution just be to add some vodka and Bailey’s?

4 Dogs (was 13) - 24 dogs were found in a car in Florida. The owner is expected to be notified by the animal services, and the Guinness Book of World Records.

3 Pizza (was 9) - A Pizza Hut franchise is suing corporate for $100 million dollars because its new AI system has messed up deliveries. But let’s be honest, what’s worse: not getting your pizza delivered or getting a Pizza Hut pizza delivered? 

2 Air Fryer (was 3) - Clear glass air fryers, which allow you to see your food as its frying, are the current big sellers. But people are forgetting a huge negative: when you over cook something, you’ve got nothing to blame.

1 ChatGPT (was 7) - According to New York Magazine ChatGPT is now being used by the Amish. Apparently they have yet to ask it, “What century are we in?

Top 25 - Domination Rankings of Everything - May 16, 2026

25 Texting (was 20) - Apple is rolling out new and more secure texting. So you’ll be able to rest assured that nobody will be able to access your texts, except everyone at Apple.

24 Michael Jackson (was 14) The new Micheal Jackson movie is earning rave reviews for his nephew, Jaafar. Yet none for Aladdin. Or even Abu. That monkey is getting snubbed. 

23 Drones (new) - My wife is really into drones. Well, my wife is really into droning.  Though if I ever got a drone I’d name it Dave’s Wife. And I’m sure it would go on and on and on. 

22. The Pope (was 19) - This past month, the Pope called a bank’s customer service and they hung up on him. So when people say the Pope is just like one of us, I don’t buy it. For if he were, he would have hung up on them.

21 Indoor Plumbing (was 25) - It has been determined that increasing the water flow in one’s plumbing will decrease the water contamination. So my wife should not be irritated when I get up 5 times the middle of the night to pee, She should be thanking me and my aged bladder for keeping our water safe.

20 NBA Playoffs (was 1) - During the playoffs Joel Embid said the Philadelphia felt like New York’s Madison Square Garden East. This begs the question: Does Joel Embid have any idea where Philadelphia is?

19 World Cup (New) - Prices for trains and buses to World Cup matches at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey have been drastically cut following a backlash from soccer fans. Great. Now do we have any gasoline fans?

18 FanDuel (was 24) - FanDuel is going to push further into prediction markets. Now if you’re thinking, “Dave wait a minute. Is that prediction or addiction?” Don’t worry, they’re the same thing.

17 NASA (was 4) - NASA is all excited that the Mars rover just submitted it 6th selfie. I could be wrong here, but wasn’t the purpose of the Mars rover to get pictures of Mars? Don’t we already know what the Mars rover looks like?

16 Harry Styles (new) - Lenny Kravitz, the dad of Zoe Kravitz, has voiced his approval with her engagement to Harry Styles. He apparently asked a lot of people to weigh in. And one of those was clearly not the dad of Taylor Swift. 

15 Sleep (was 23) - Lack of sleep can lead to worsening symptoms for people with Alzheimer’s, which I‘m guessing, is going to be hard for those people to remember. 

14 Diet Coke (New) - The Iran War has led to a shortage of Diet Coke in India. And now expressions of sympathy are being sent from Diet Coke drinkers across the world. Well except for those in Iran.

13 Dogs (was 9) - 2 dogs and a man were rescued from a garbage truck. So you’re thinking, “How did 2 dogs and a man get into a garbage truck?” But the better question is why did they have to be rescued? How tough is it to stand up and get out.?! Imagine being the guy who supposedly rescued them. He gets home and says, “Honey, guess what. I rescued a man and 2 dogs today!” “Oh my, did they fall though ice in the lake?” “Nope they were in a garbage truck. I helped them step over a can of spam.”

12 Water (was 6) - Scientists have recently determined that water can be extracted directly from air with nothing more than the sun and some gel. So it looks like we can solve the world wide water crisis if we can just get a solar panel in the hands of Pauly D.

11 Oil (New) - People think the cost of oil will drop once we get the Hormuz straight. Ok, but not if they get an Ace-high straight.

10 LeBron (was 7) - LeBron is an unrestricted free agent. He used to be restricted, but now he’s too old for that kinky stuff. 

9 Pizza (was 2) - New York is no longer allowing flour in pizzas that is bromated. Apparently, bromating just isn’t good. Now if someone could just tell the wives of Joe Rogan and Logan Paul.

8 Underwear (was 16) - 1 out of 10 people admit they wear the same pair of underwear for a week straight. Which is quite disturbing especially when you realize that underwear includes Depends.

7 ChatGPT (returns) - OpenAI, the company that owns ChatGPT might file a lawsuit because it didn’t make as much money as anticipated from its partnership with Apple. Yeah, I don’t know if that lawsuit is a good idea. Does ChatGPT really want the world to know that, once again, it was wrong?

6 A Good BM (was 18) - Doctors say the best time to poop is in the morning. I say the best time to pool is, whenever my mom calls. “Mom,I can’t talk; I’ve got to poop!”

5 Money (was 15) - When I saw that JPMorgan is coming out with another Tolkenized Money Market Fund, I told a bunch of friends who are really into the Lord of the Rings. Then I realized it was Tokenized, not Tolkenized. Yeah, turns out JP Morgan isn’t putting Frodo Baggins on a coin.

4 Sex (was 3) - In a study by the University of New Hampshire, 97% of the participants emphasized the importance of sex in a relationship. Which means that only 3% of the participants were married. 

3 Air Fryer (was 12) Ninja is pushing its new air fryers with non-toxic glass designs. You’d think their attorneys might advise them not to push this. Seems like doing so strongly implies that that their prior glass designs were toxic.

2 Jesus (was 5) Tammy Robinson just released a song called, "Jesus is my Shepard.” I heard the song and I’ve got to say - it seems a little selfish. Why can’t he be my Shepard too?

1 Protein (was 17) - Turns out that hair is protein. Yeah, this is not good news. So next time I think I’m eating a some spaghetti and I figure out I’m actually eating a piece of my wife’s hair I can no longer say, “Will you please wear a hair net or something!” Now I’m going to have to say, “Thanks for the extra protein.”

Top 25 - Domination Rankings of Everything - May 2, 2026

25 Indoor Plumbing (was 14) - In 1856, Chicago built the first integrated sewer system. Apparently before that, black poop and white poop had to be separated.

24. FanDuel (new) - To appease critics, FanDuel is starting s new financial literacy initiative. Yeah, I don’t think the problem is literacy. It’s math! Nobody goes broke on FanDuel because they haven’t read The Grapes of Wrath.

23 Sleep (was 20) - If you want to sleep well on an airplane, Popular Science strongly recommends ear plugs. Makes sense. That way you won’t be woken when a flight attendant says, “We’re going down!!”

22 Venmo (was 19) - Venmo has a program it’s calling “Stash” because that sounds a bit better than calling it “Just for pot.”

21 Meryl Streep (New) - Meryl Streep is widely regarded as an original. And now, she is starring in The Devil Wears Prada - Two.

20. Texting (was 16) - A teacher in Connecticut was just fired for texting his female student about barbecue. Well, what’s wrong with that? Unless barbecue now means something other than barbecue. Wait a minute, my daughter just told me she’s going to get some barbecue. And stupid me, I thought she meant she was going to get barbecue.

19 The Pope (was 15) - The Pope has voiced his opposition ot the death penalty. And I agree -that the death penalty should at least change it’s name to something less redundant than death penalty. Do you really need the word penalty? Doesn’t death pretty much sum it up? I’m pretty sure nobody is confusing this for a death reward.

18 A Good BM (was 21) - I just read that to have a good poop in the morning, you should take a walk. Huh, I do see a lot of people running in the morning. Must be they started out walking then - bam - they had to run.

17 Protein (was 11) - McDonald’s is placing a badge on the packaging of all its products that have a significant amount of protein. And if you want to know what products are not healthy, just look for the packages that say McDonald’s.

16 Underwear (was 18) - Nikki Glasser appeared on “Live With Kelly and Mark” with her underwear showing. Clearly disappointing to Nikki. And to all those watching who hoped she wasn’t wearing underwear. 

15 Money (was 25) - A man went to the bank to withdraw his sister’s money because she had died. The bank then said he couldn’t have the money without proof she had died. He left and came back - with his sister’s body. This got me thinking, because I have a sister. So I sent her a text: You want to go to the bank?

14 Michael Jackson (New) - In it’s first weekend, the new Michael Jackson movie had a $217 million dollar gross. Most did not expect such a gross given that it didn’t include any of the criminal allegations.

13 Remote Controls (was 3) - Technology is being created that could eliminate remote controls and replace it with voice commands. I think before they go further with that technology they try it out on a married couple. “Put on ESPN.” “No, put on the Hallmark Channel.” “ESPN!” “Hallmark Channel! And why is it that the TV can hear me but you never can?”

12 Air Fryer (was 6) - 21,000 air fryers were recalled in Mexico. How bad must a product be for it to be recalled in Mexico? When did Mexico start giving a crap about safety? Maybe this is part of their new tourism campaign, “Come to Mexico. Yeah our water may kill you, and our cars are death traps, but, hey, we have safe air fryers.

11 Donuts (new) In WWI women in France made donuts for the troops in helmets filled with boiling oil. This worked out great. Well, except for the times when people put on one of those donut helmets.

10 Ear buds (was 17) - Sharing ear buds can lead to fungal growth. So if you want to avoid fungal growth, don’t put someone else’s ear buds in your ear. Or someone else’s toe nails. 

9 Dogs (was 13) - Dozens of dogs in an overcrowded shelter in Texas just arrived in Buffalo. And now there are dozens of dogs who do not need to be taught that things can always get worse.

8 The Sun (was 1) - It has recently been determined that the sun has an abundance of waves. This is extremely intriguing to scientists, and to Jeff Spicoli.

7 LeBron (was 5) - Kendrick Perkins says he heard that LeBron James made $700 million dollars from a silent investment. Hmm. Isn’t there something about a silent investment that makes it pretty hard for anyone to hear?

6 Water (was 8) - It’s been determined that 20% of Americans are drinking water filled with Nitrates. Now some people think that doing so will give them powers like the superhero Nitro. And those people - are idiots.

5 Jesus (was 4) - Testing of the Shroud of Turin, believed to have wrapped Jesus, revealed traces of cereals such as wheat, maize and rye. I’m stunned. All this time I pictured Jesus eating Crunch Berries. 

4 NASA (New) - NASA is trying to figure out how to get a fire started on the Moon, where the average temperature is 4 degrees below zero. Seems like they have to call Heat Miser. 

3 Sex (was 2) - A new study says that women care less about orgasms when they don’t expect them. I don’t know about that. My wife makes it pretty clear she cares about orgasms, even though she knows damn well not to expect them.

2 Pizza (was 7) - Yahoo just published an article that says you can tell that a pizza is no good if you look at the pepperoni and see it is curled up. You can also a tell a pizza is no good if you look at the box and see it is from Dominos. 

1 NBA Playoffs (was 22) - During overtime of a play-in game on Amazon Prime, the feed went out for 2 minutes. So what happened during those 2 minutes? I’ll tell you: Jeff Bezos made another 2 million dollars

Top 25 - Domination Rankngs of Everything - April 13, 2026

25 Money (was 23) Almost $3.5 billion dollars was invested into Africa last year. This has led many Africans to ask, “Where?”

24 Michigan (New) - Michigan won the NCAA Tournament which led to the Big10 pocketing $69 million dollars. While the mid-major conferences pocketed lint.

23 Love (was 25) - New research shows that people in love don’t worry about who’s showing more kindness. Great. Next time my wife says, “Why do I do everything for you and you do nothing for me?” I’ll just say, “Must be love.”

22 NBA Playoffs (New) - The NBA Playoffs will last a whopping 2 months which is pretty hard on the players. But there’s a simple way to shorten that: lose.

21 A Good BM (was 17) - Dr. Trisha Pasricha has written a book called “You’ve Been Pooping All Wrong.” Well how the hell does she know? I going to write book called, “Stop Looking At Me While I’m Pooping!”

20 Sleep (was 1) The self proclaimed sleep doctor recently assured a good night sleep if you wake up and don’t check the time. And doing so will also assure you will arrive to work late.

19 Venmo (was 24) - A Venmo scam is taking place in Oakland where a man asks people for their cell phone so he can add his rap group to their Spotify app. But instead he transfers thousands of dollars via their Venmo app. People in Oakland want to know how this could happen. I want to know, how stupid are the people in Oakland.

18 Underwear (was 13) - The University of Maryland has created “smart underwear” to monitor the frequency of flatulence. I don’t know that you need smart underwear for that. All you really need is a wife.

17 Ear Buds (new) - Carnegie Mellon researchers have found that ear buds can double as heart monitors. But wouldn’t that depend on what music’s playing. I mean you put Taylor Swift on and, yeah, I’m going to have a heart attack.

16 Texting (was 6) - A brand new survey shows that nearly 90% of consumers prefer business communication via text. So the big take away form this survey is it did not include old people. 

15 The Pope (Returns) - Some people think the Pope is all powerful. Those are people who do not realize that the Pope is a White Sox fan.

14 Indoor Plumbing (Returns) - There is currently a need for 550,000 plumbers. That must be one clogged toilet.

13 Dogs (was 12) - Police have solved the mystery of why 2 dozen dogs had washed up on the shore of Washington. Turns out they were actually foxes. So what about the foxes? Turns out, nobody cares about foxes.

12 Garbage Dumps (was 22) - A fire recently erupted in a garbage dump in Sri Lanka. People near by were advised to wear a mask. Here’s hoping those people were also advised to run.

11 Protein (was 18) - More and more Americans are making protein filled meats a bigger part of their diet. Which will help them appear muscular, when they die of heart disease. 

10 iPhone (was 2) - The iPhone 18 will be offered in will be offered in a new color that Apple is calling coffee brown. But I’m guessing the public will call it something else if the phone is a piece of crap.

9 Ford Trucks (was 16) - Ford just announced that its costs are going up $900 million dollars which it says could make its trucks more expensive. And if you are looking for the humor in that sentence it’s with the word could. 

8 Water (was 9) - Big contamination problem in rural PA has led to an advisory not to drink the water before boiling it. But in rural PA, they are going to need another advisory: don’t drink the water before it stops boiling. 

7 Pizza (was 11) - The popular Tik-Toker “Florida Pizza Girl” has received of propositions from men. And yet not one woman has submitted a proposition to the guy who does the Refrigeration Domination Rankings of Everything. 

6 Air Fryer (was 5) - A company called Typhur has created the world’s first air fryer with a wireless thermometer. This begs the question: How can any air fryer not have a wireless thermometer. “Gee I don’t know why my air fryer keeps causing fires.” “Well, maybe it’s because you keep frying the wires.”

5 LeBron (was 8) - Just saw a posting noting: Lebron James “foot” available Sunday. Ok. But it didn’t say how much it costs.

4 Jesus (was 3) - Donald Trump posted a picture of himself that people say looked like Jesus. But I didn’t think it looked like Jesus. I thought it looked like James Austin Johnson from SNL.

3 Remote Controls (was 15) - A company called Herfair makes a device that will allow you to use your remote control 49 feet further away. It’s perfect for all those times when you want to change the channel, but don’t want to see the TV.

2 Sex (was 7) - Parents of a high school kid in Florida reported that they suspected he was having sex with his teacher because he came home late from work. Why would coming home late from work make you think, “Hmm, we should call the cops. He’s probably having sex with his teacher.” Turns out - they were right. Amazing. I mean I came home from work late many times and my parents never once suspected that I might be having sex with anyone. Turns out - they were right.

1 The Sun (was 4) - The Sun recently blew up a massive asteroid. But maybe it wasn’t an asteroid that the sun blew up, but a planet. And maybe it wasn’t the sun that blew it up but the Death Star. And maybe, I should spend less time watching Star Wars.

Top 25 - Domination Rankngs of Everything - March 30, 2026

25 Love (was 14) - University of New Hampshire research concluded that love, dating and intimacy do not end with age. That’s true. They end with marriage.

24 Venmo (New) - Venmo’s slogan should be: We make it even easier - for your kids to spend your money.

23 Money (was 2) - Donald Trump’s signature will appear on dollar bills to honor the country’s 250th anniversary. And that makes sense, only if Donald Trump were 250 years old.

22 Garbage Dumps (was 13) - A garbage truck in Canada caught on fire then dumped it’s load in the middle of the street. And everyone was ok with that. Good to know, because if I’m ever on fire in the middle of the street, I’m definitely dumping a load. 

21 Easter (New) - $25 billion dollars is expected to be spent on Easter this year? Which means I have a bone to pick with the Easter Bunny. Every year I get a little chocolate bunny - a hollow one, non-solid one - and a packet of Peeps. What’s he shoving in other people’s baskets, Ferraris?

20 Whales (was 22) - Recent video shows 2 whales head butting. Scientists can’t figure out why. Well obviously it’s because they just sacked the quarterback.

19 Pickleball (was 24) - Residents of a Florida community have complained about the Pickleball noise. I defy you to find multiple residents of any Florida community capable of hearing pickleball noise.

18 Protein (was 11) - Recent studies found that protein powers may contain toxic heavy metals. So now those products will have to have warnings like: may contain bits of Ozzy Osbourne.

17 A Good BM (was 23) - Researchers in London claim that Kiwis can stop constipation. But then people in New Zealand said, “No we don’t.”

16 Ford Trucks (was 21) - Ford trucks are now the best selling vehicle in the US. This is upsetting long time truck owners. But they should be happy. Now there’s a much smaller chance someone’s going to say, “Hey can I borrow your truck?

15 Remote Controls (New) -Stanford scientists have discovered a remote control for the brain that could reverse memory loss. Sounds great, but I’m very much hoping my wife doesn’t get her hands on one of those. I’ll never win an argument again. “Honey, I’m telling you I have no memory of you telling me to take out the garbage.” Rewind, Rewind, Rewind. “Damn it. You’re right again.”

14 Taylor Swift (was 18) - Graham Norton has stated that he in fact did not need to sign a NDA about Taylor Swift’s wedding. That’s disappointing - because if he and everyone else had to sign NDAs, then maybe we’d stop hearing about it.

13  Underwear (was 19) - New research says there is no medical reason for women to wear underwear. That is exciting news - unless you have daughters. Actually, I’m ok with my daughters not wearing underwear. So long as they do wear a chastity belt.

12 Dogs (was 15) - DNA testing has revealed that dogs have been man’s best friend for about 16,000 years. That really tells you something about how unfriendly women are

11 Pizza (was 4) I go to the grocery store and they have freezer filled with frozen pizza. Which means some people must like frozen pizza but I don’t get it. I prefer my pizza a little less cold. 

10 Making People Laugh (was 8) - Senior citizens are being told that laughter will make them feel less isolated. And it works because apparently senior citizens don’t realize they are the ones laughing. “Ha Ha! What’s so funny Jim? Ha. Ha. Ha! Wait, Susie, what did I miss?

9 Water (was 16) - Residents of Arizona are upset over the likelihood of their water bill doubling. To which the state of Arizona responded, “What do you expect when you live in a desert?”

8 LeBron (was 5) - LeBron has now played in more NBA games than anyone else. That really tells you all you need to know about LeBron. You know, that he’s old.

7 Sex (was 3) - A recent huge study of the sex lives of nearly 68,000 people just concluded. And the big take way is that nearly 68,000 are having more sex than me.

6 Texting (New) - The state of Iowa is sending text messages warning drivers of scam texts claiming they have committed a driving violation. But maybe the real scam is the texts sent by the state of Iowa. They’re hoping you read it while driving and then - bam - you have an actual driving violation. 

5 Air Fryer (was 7) - People who air fry can increase their risk of cancer if they over crisp. They can also increase their risk of cancer if they - start smoking. 

4 The Sun (was 20) - Scientists believe to have discovered another ring around the Sun. But there’s no reason to be concerned. I guess they can take care of this ring around the sun with a big bottle of Shout. 

3 Jesus (was 1) - A historian recently claimed he found the site where Jesus turned water into wine. And contrary to popular belief it was not at the headquarters of Franzia. 

2 iPhones (was 9) - An iPhone hack called DarkSword is causing widespread panic. Well who the hell named it DarkSword? That’s not going to help decrease the panic. You wan to decrease the panic maybe change the name to GingerSnap or Puppykisses

1 Sleep (was 10) - A behavioral scientist has determined that women will sleep much better if they don’t use a phone in bed. So women, put the phone away and just get a vibrator. 

Top 25 - March 15, 2026 - Domination Rankings of Everything

25 March Madness (was 19) Furman has made the NCAA Tournament. And yet all you hear about is Batman, Superman and Spiderman.

24 Pickleball (was 20) - PopFlex is touting it’s pickleball skort because it made Taylor Swift look good. What doesn’t make Taylor Swift look good? I think PopFlex should let us know when it has a skort that makes Gabriel Iglesias look good.

23 A Good BM (was 12) - A recent study concludes that having your stomach massaged will likely end constipation and, I’m guessing, also likely end the massage.

22 Whales (New) Yahoo News has reported that there is a war going on between two sets of whales in the north Pacific. This would seem to pose a problem for the folks at Save The Whales. Yes, Save the Whales now has a new enemy - whales. 

21 Ford Truck (was 15) Timberland has just released a Ford F-150 work boot. It’s perfect for those who drive F-150 but want to be absolutely sure that everyone knows - they have a small penis.

20 The Sun (New) An asteroid orbiting around the Sun was knocked off its path by a NASA spacecraft. And yes, once again, no thanks to Ben Affleck.

19 Underwear (was 21) - There is an estimated 1/10 of a gram of poop in the average man’s underwear. I however am above average.

18. Taylor Swift (was 24)- Taylor Swift’s fiancé, Travis Kelce, announced he will be making 12 million dollars next year. To which Taylor Swift responded, “Oh that’s cute.”

17 Air (was 14) - A researcher at the University of Ottawa determined that bumblebee queens can breathe without air underwater. Well his actual quote was, “Bumblebee queens . . .Ahh that hurts! . . . can breathe . . .Damn it, I got stung again . . .without air underwater . . .Son of a bitch, I’m done with this friggin research."

16 Water (was 22) - The coastal city of Corpus Cristi, Texas is set run out of water next year. Let me repeat that: the coastal city of Corpus Cristi, Texas is set to run out of water next year. This begs the question: Does the coastal city of Corpus Cristi, Texas realize it’s a coastal city?

15 Dogs (was 23) - Brand new research indicates that dogs can perceive musical pitch and adjust their vocal cords accordingly.  Gee, maybe that’s why my daughters always ask for a dog after my wife sings them a lullaby.

14 Love (was 6) - The Kinsey Institute has found that the vast majority of people fall in love at least twice. So I now tell my wife she is the only woman I have ever loved - so far. 

13 Garbage Dumps (new) - 230 million tons of trash are buried in the US every year. That’s right every year we bury 230 million tons of trash. And that doesn’t even include all the dead Duke fans.

12 Peanut Butter and Jelly (was 8) - Nature Valley is coming out with a bar that tastes just like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You know what else tastes just like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And it takes about 30 seconds to make. So big deal Nature Valley. It’s not like you are making a bar that tastes like lasagna.

11 Protein (New) - David protein bars are being sued because the the bars allegedly have 400% more fat than advertised. But the owner says they aren’t really that fat. They’re just retaining water.

10 Sleep (was 5) - I just read and entire study about how cognitive shuffling can help you fall asleep. You want another way to fall asleep? Read an entire study about cognitive shuffling. 

9 iPhones (new) - Apple is coming out with an iPhone folds open, much like Samsung’s but will cost possibly $1000 more than Samsung’s. It will however have something that Samsung’s doesn’t  - an apple on it.

8 Making People Laugh (was 1) - There is a new theory that laughter can serve as a prelude to faith. And it kind of makes sense. Like imagine trying to get someone to be Catholic and telling them that during Lent you can’t eat meat on Fridays.  The first thing their going to do - laugh. 

7 Air Fryer (was 10) - A Briton based news source had a headline: “Household with air fryers issued 8-word warning - could be dangerous.” Apparently their editor was never told there’d be math involved.

6 K-Pop Demon Hunters (New) - I don’t even know what this is. So I went to Google it to find out but then I remembered I don’t care.

5 LeBron (was 16) - Next year LeBron is expected to go to Cleveland and retire. This will make him the first person ever to go to Cleveland and retire.

4 Pizza (was 3) - Researchers recently went to Africa to determine that the 4 cheese pizza is the favorite pizza of the rainbow lizard. The researchers also determined that they have way to much time on their hands.

3 Sex (was 2) - A sex therapist has come up with a 2-2-2 rule for to help increase sex for people who are married. Every 2 weeks go on a date, every 2 months go on a weekend trip and every  2 years go on a vacations. Sounds great, well, unless you have to do it with your spouse. 

2 Money (was 17) - Apparently a large percentage of the population suffers from money dysphoria. I didn’t realize so many people look at their money and think, “Geesh, George Washington was so fat.”

1 Jesus (was 4) - A guy says he met Jesus while in a coma. That’s a amazing. I mean, to meet Jesus. Wow. But it would a bit of a bummer to do so while in a coma. There’s be a million things you’d want to ask him, but you can’t because you are in a coma.

Top 25 - March 1, 2026 - Domination Rankings of Everything

1 Making People Laugh (was 2) - A Cornell doctor named Ovul Sezer determined if you laugh at yourself after a mistake other people will like you more. How did a guy named Ovul come up with this? Imagine if your parents named you Ovul and then they laughed over the mistake of naming you Ovul. I don’t think that’s going to make you like them more.

2 Sex (was 3) - A brand new article in the Guardian says that scheduling sex means you will not forget about sex. I don’t think this applies to men. It’s pretty hard to forget about sex when all you do is think about sex.

3 Pizza (was 7) Papa John’s is closing 300 restaurants. I feel for Papa John. Now he has 300 less excuses to avoid being with his family.

4 Jesus (was 5) - So Lent, started - the period before Easter - and my wife is mad at me. Well she’s not mad at me because it’s Lent. She’s made at me because she asked what we should give up. And I suggested we give up marriage. 

5 Sleep (was 13) - Arizona State just concluded that lack of sleep leads to impulsive decisions. This is helpful information. If you are a guy who wants to elope with someone way out of your league, wait till she has a crappy night sleep.

6 Love (new) - My wife very much enjoys when love is in the air. But I try to change that by having some milk.

7 Snow (was 4) - Snow is not frozen rain, but is instead formed directly from a cloud’s water vapor. So now you might be thinking that if you eat snow that would be the same as vaping. And if you are, then you are probably currently vaping. 

8 Peanut Butter and Jelly (was 16) - People are all excited that NIKE is bringing back Kevin Durant’s 2013 Peanut Butter and Jelly sneaker. Whereas I’m kind of excited that NIKE is not bringing back Kevin Durant’s 2013 Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. 

9 Coffee (was 14) - Starbucks is launching a new coffee and protein drink. Apparently there’s a big market for guys who want muscles - and don’t want to fall asleep while looking at them.

10 Air Fryer (was 6) - Air frying can reduce fat by 75%. Well then some people should really consider air frying their ass.

11 The Whooper (new) - Burger King announced it will stop wrapping it Whooper in paper and start putting it in a box. This allows you to take a bite of the box and assess right then if a Whopper actually tastes like cardboard.

12 A Good Bowel Movement (was 15) - The largest recorded poop was 8 inches long. And every single guy reading this is now thinking the same thing - I can top that.

13 Stock Market (was 21) - Traders on the New York Stock exchange are not allowed to enter the floor unless they are wearing a tie. And many aren’t even allowed to leave unless they are wearing handcuffs.

14 Air (was 20) - Researchers believe that changes in air pressure ahead of strong weather systems can cause joint pain. You can read all about this online. Or you can just talk to any grandmother.

15 Ford Trucks (was 12) - Ford just recalled 4.4 million trucks. How many times is Ford going to recall these trucks before they realize that trucks don’t respond?

16 LeBron (was 18) The rumors about LeBron were proven false - he did not get his own home in the 2020 NBA Bubble at Disney World. But this still leaves the question: who was it that was sleeping with Cinderella.

17 Money (was 8) - Zimbabwe once printed a 100 trillion dollar bill. So next time you think you are having a bad day, think of a guy who had one of those, and lost his wallet.

18 Survivor (new) - 50th season of Survivor is starting and people are picking their favorite to root for. Not me. I like to pick someone to root against. But I'm never right. I probably need to stop picking Jeff Probst.

19 March Madness (New) - Just in case you are one of the few who have yet to find something to complain about college hoops this season, I give you this: Duke is ranked #1.

20 Pickleball (was 22) - USA Pickleball claims that Pickleball it is now taught in over 2000 schools. I find that hard to believe. I really don’t think you can find 2000 schools that are teaching anything.

21 Underwear (was 24) - Wesley Dingus, the mayor of Butler Village, Ohio, resigned last week because he had been sniffing girls underwear. Way to go Wesley Dingus. You have somehow managed to associate yourself with something worse than the last name Dingus.  

22 Water (was 10) - Folks in Minnesota are worried about a drought? How is that possible? I keep hearing on the news about all the ICE they’ve had.

23 Dogs (new) A man was fined when two of his dogs were shot when hunting coyotes. Can’t we all agree that guns should not be in the hands of coyotes.

24 Taylor Swift (was 25) - So Taylor Swift posted a photo of herself without make-up and people lost their minds. Geesh, imagine if the same thing was done by Trump. 

25 Ozempic (was 19) - The cost of Ozempic is being cut in half. I think that’s risky. What if people learn that the reason they lost all that weight wasn’t because of the Ozempic, but was because it was so expansive that they didn’t have any money left to buy food.

Top 25 February 15, 2026 - Domination Rankings of Everything

1 College Basketball (was 9) - St. John’s played a video of Rick Pitino’s career to celebrate his 900th win. I wish it had more from his time at Louisville. Not because I’m a big fan of the Cards. But because I'm a big fan of strippers.

2 Making People Laugh (was 10) - Scientists believe that humans laughed before they could speak. I could see that. Eve looks at Adam for the first time. Points low. And laughs.

3 Sex (was 4) - The National Institute of Health believes that there are negative mental health ramifications to having casual sex. I gotta agree, casual sex never works well. When having sex you should really try to be stiff. 

4 Snow (was 1) - In 1887 ranchers reported seeing snow flakes 15 inches wide. Then realized they were out of whisky. 

5 Jesus (was 2) - At the site of Jesus’ last supper archaeologists just found inscriptions on the wall. I’m betting one of them says, “I can’t believe we all had to sit on the same side of the table.”

6 Air Fryer (was 8) - Studies show that air frying increases antioxidants in vegetables. Imagine what it must do for cigarettes. 

7 Pizza (was 11) - A pizzeria in NYC, Mama’s Too, has the best pizza on the entire planet according to, well, I’m guessing someone pretty fat.

8 Money (was 7) - A dollar bill can be folded in the same spot 4000 times before it tears. So I’d recommend scissors. 

9 Bruhs (was 19) - They claim you can tell what generation someone is from by whether they say dude or bruh. Whereas I claim you can tell what generation someone is from by looking at them.

10 Water (was 5) - A whopping 10 million gallons of water per day a needed by data centers. The positive is they have very low risk of kidney stones.

11 Fire (was 21) - I just learned that different colored fires mean different things. A blue fire means you have a lot of oxygen. A yellow fire means you have a little oxygen. And a pink fire means you have had a lot of LSD.

12 Ford Trucks (New) - In 1917 Ford created its first truck, but it didn't come with a bed. Well how the hell is that a truck? That would be like if they created their first car, but it didn't come with an engine.

13 Sleep (was 18) - It is apparently impossible to sneeze while you are asleep. But my wife claims it is not impossible to fart while you are asleep. I have no idea why she thinks that. 

14 Coffee (was 23) - A new study found that to-go coffee cups come with health risks, But the researchers found there are even greater risks with getting your coffee to-go without a cup.

15 A Good Bowel Movement (was 12) - A group home in Ohio is being sued because a man died there due constipation. But the group home says he was just full of shit. 

16 Peanut Butter & Jelly (was 20) - There’s going to be a documentary about a guy who gave 82,000 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to immigrants. Truly quite kind, but I think it would have been easier if he just gave them a ladder.

17 Muppets (was 3) - Sabrina Carpenter got rave reviews for hosting the new Muppet Show. In fact 9 out of 10 kids under the age of 5 thought she was a Muppet.

18 LeBron (was 22) - LeBron James has been banned from the White House. Which is going to impact him how? Might be a little different if instead of getting banned from the White House he got banned from his house.

19 Ozempic (was 6) - Science Daily reports at Ozempic might also be able to cure additions. Wow - so taking Ozempic could help you drink less, smoke less and eat less. Seems like that could get, oh what’s the word for it - addictive.

20 Air (New) - Air is in fact, mostly gas. And contrary to my wife’s belief, I don’t think that’s my fault. 

21 Stock Market (New) - The Dow Jones cracked 50,000 - to which my daughters said, “Big deal. That’s like 5 million less than Coco Jones.

22 Pickleball (was 17) - Pickleball was created by a congressman who was about to play badminton and then just like a congressman he thought, “Hmm, is there a way we could do even less?”

23 Olympics (New) - In the ancient Greece Olympics, the athletes used to compete naked. So in close races the winner wouldn’t be the guy who’d lean forward. It would be the guy who had been looking at porn. 

24 Underwear (New) - My wife really would prefer I not wear tighty whities. So I complied and made them tighty brownies.

25 Taylor Swift (was 24) - She is currently in a feud with Elmo. Apparently its over a rock. I don’t know about you, but if I had to chose between Taylor Swift and Elmo, I’d go with the rock.

Top 25 - February 1, 2026 - Domination Rankings of Everything

1.Snow (was 4) - Last week a major snow storm hit the south which never happens. People think it was because of climate change. No, it was because of that deal between Heat Miser and Snow Miser. 

2. Jesus (was 7) - Mary and Jospeh considered by many to be about the best parents ever, once lost Jesus when he was a kid. Seems like this should be brought up by every set of parents facing Social Services. “You’re coming after us? What about them? They lost Jesus.”

3. Muppets (was 9) The Muppet Show is returning on February 4th. This is causing huge excitement for the fans of the old show. The problem is that same excitement could very well kill all of those fans. 

4 Sex (was 5) - Researchers in London have just announced that same-sex behavior is common across 1,500 species including fish. Well duh - said the blow fish.

5 Water (was 14) - According to the UN, we are in a global water bankruptcy. Geez, I feel kind of bad because I have a pretty decent amount of water. Though if we are playing water Monopoly, well then - I win!

6 Ozempic (New) - New article notes that though Ozempic can suppress your appetite, it can also lead to constipation. Ok, so not only are you spending less on food, you are spending less on toilet paper too!

7 Money (was 1) - Canada once made a coin that weighed 1000 lbs. Seems awesome unless you’re the referee who needs to try to flip it.

8 Air Fryer (was 2) - The air fryer is considered the least polluting cooking method. And the most polluting cooking method is of course the Cadillac Escalade Fryer.

9 College Basketball - (was 12) - Chicago State was up by 2 with the ball, with 0.1 seconds left and lost.  So how am I  supposed to come up with something funnier than that?

10 Making People Laugh (was 19)- I just read that laughter increases the activity of immune cells and antibodies, strengthening the body's defenses against infection. So next time my wife gets sick and pukes all over herself, I’m going to laugh my ass off. Hey, I’m just protecting myself. 

11 Pizza (was 17) - Pizza Hut doesn’t want anyone to go to the new fake Pizza Hut in Pakistan. Well it seems to me that the best way to keep people from going to a fake Pizza Hut is to let them think it’s an actual Pizza Hut.

12 A Good BM (was 20) - A new study reveals that 1-2 poops per day is considered the Goldilocks Zone. Ok, but what version of Goldilocks did these guys read? I don’t remember Goldilocks taking any poops.

13 Super Bowl - #DavesWifeWasWrong - tie (new) - Last week I told my wife that one of my posts would get more views than the Super Bowl. She said, “Dave no way.” So I asked everyone on TikTok help Prove Dave’s Wife Was Wrong. And people actually created a #DavesWifeWasWrong and . . .we got less than 14K  views. But it’s not over. I told her my followers still have time to Prove Dave’s Wife Was Wrong with this video. She said, “Dave you only have 750 followers.” I have 767! And I can see it. The Super Bowl ends. A reporter goes up to the MVP and says, “You just won the Super Bowl what are you going to do now? And he says, “Prove Dave’s Wife Was Wrong.” 

14 Greenland (new) - Fun fact about Greenland that some might find surprising. It’s not Iceland.

15. ChatGPT (was 24) - Good news - Apple is going to make Siri like ChatGPT. Well, I’m assuming that’s good news, because I’m assuming that means they are going to make Siri silent.

16. 6-7 (was 22) - So I keep seeing my daughters move their hands up and down. And I’m thinking what the hell are they doing? Then I figured it out - they’re pretending to have a Slinky. So being the nice dad that I am I went out and got them a Slinky. And you know what they said? “Dad what’s a Slinky?” What do you mean what’s a Slinky? That’swhat you are pretending to have. “No Dad, it’s 6-7. it’s from the song Doot Doot.” No, it’s Slinky. From the Slinky song: "It rolls down stairs. Alone or in pairs .It makes a clinkity sound. A thing, a thing. A wonderful thing .Everyone loves a slinky." Slinky!

17 Pickleball (was 21) - an 18 year old girl made $3 million playing Pickleball. Impressive, but to be fair, she’s the only one playing without an arthritic hip.

18 Sleep (New) Sleep apnea masks may soon be replaced by a pill. Wonderful news, well, except for those who enjoy spending their nights looking like a character from Mad Max.

19. Bruhs (new) - I love the comments I get on TikTok saying “Way to go Bruh” much better than ones saying “You suck Unc.”

20 Peanut Butter & Jelly (was 13) -The average American eats 1,500 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before turning 18. And then average American spends the rest of their life wondering why they are overweight.

21 Fire (was 10): Other day I hear my teenage daughter say, “That’s fire.” So I run down the hall grab a the fire extinguisher, bust into my daughter’s room and yell “Where’s the fire?!!” She says, “Dad, what are you doing?” You said there’s a fire. “No Dad, I said that’s fire.” What the hell’s the difference? “Dad, that’s fire is a good thing.” Really? Somebody needs to write a book on how to speak teenager.

22 LeBron (was 15) LeBron falls to 22 after not being voted as started for the All Star Game. Makes no sense. No, I don’t mean about LeBron. I mean calling the All Star Game a game.

23 Coffee (was 11) - The extremely popular Kopi Luwak coffee is made from beans that have been excreted by a civet cat. Who thinks to themselves, “You know what might make for some great coffee? Cat crap”?

24 Taylor Swift (was 23) - My daughters are quite happy that Taylor Swift is getting inducted into the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame. I’ve got to say I’m exited too. Because Hall of Fame inductions usually happen after someone retires.

25 Indiana (new) - Indiana University is the best team in college football. I swear that line got huge laughs two years ago.

Top 25 - January 15, 2026 - Domination Rankings of Everything

1 Money (was 2) 90% of all paper money has traces of cocaine.  So I guess if you are in need of a fix, you don’t need a drug dealer, you just need an ATM.

2 Air Fryer (was 13) - I got my daughter an air fryer for Christmas and you know what she makes? Brussel sprouts. I hate Brussel sprouts. She says but you’ve got to try these. So I did and you know what they taste like? Brussel sprouts!

3 Super Bowl (New) - I said to my wife, “Imagine if this got this joke on TikTok gets even more views than the Super Bowl.  And she - laughed. So I’m thinking, “Yea, I got a laugh -  But wait a minute, I wasn’t trying for a laugh.”  So I said “You watch! There’s going to be a big TikTok movement called, Prove Dave’s Wife Wrong!  And when I get more views than the Super Bowl everyone at the game will chant Dave’s wife was wrong. Dave’s wife was wrong! Dave’s wife was wrong!” I can hear it.” She says, “Dave you can’t even hear me and I’m standing right next to you.” 

4 Snow (was 9) - People in Juneau, Alaska can’t believe they got 7 feet of snow in 5 days. Apparently they forgot they’re in Alaska.

5 Sex (was 4) - Just saw a story about a married a couple who in England had sex every day for a year. I’m skeptical. Not about them having sex every day for a year. That can be done, just not by a married couple. 

6 Netflix(was 11) - Netflix just bought Warner Brothers for $83 billion. They aren’t worried about it though because it’s actually going to be paid for - by us.

7 Jesus (was 5) - A baby Jesus figure, that had been part of the town of Morganton, North Carolina’s Nativity that got swept away by a hurricane last year, washed up from the ocean. People in the town think it’s a miracle. And I’ll agree with those people, if they saw it walk on the ocean.

8 Wizard of Oz (was 8) - The latest movie is called Wicked: For Good. Which I’m hoping means Done For Good.

9 Muppets (new) - A new episode of The Muppets Show is going to be hosted by Sabrina Carpenter. I saw some photos on the Internet suggesting she’s doing a sketch with Miss Piggy. But based on her album cover she seems better paired with Rowlf The Dog. 

10 Fire (new) - The Great Fire of London is credited with ending the bubonic plague. Though I don’t think this means that if your family gets the flu you should burn down your house. 

11 Coffee (was 16) - A popular Chicago coffee shop called October Cafe is hoping to get more customers by opening a new location. I’d say they could get more customers by opening a new month. 

12 College Basketball (was 17) - Georgetown’s coach hit a kid when he threw a plastic water bottle in the stands. Though in DC, that’s much better than throwing it in the garbage.

13 Peanut Butter and Jelly (was 3) - A teacher in Idaho covered herself in Peanut Butter to teach her students a lesson. That makes complete sense only if her students are dogs.

14 Water (new) - A brand new study says the water on airlines is so bad that you should never drink water on a plane that isn’t in a sealed bottle. And I say good luck getting a bottle of water through airport security.

15 LeBron (was 15) - LeBron James’ 11 year old daughter made news for picking out his game-day attire. I’m not sure why that’s a story. I get it that she’s only 11, but how hard is it to say “Dad, you know what I think you should wear? Your jersey.”

16 Peace (was 1) - People these days are doing crazy things to try to find inner peace. Whereas I find inner peace simply by drinking prune juice.

17 Pizza (was 6) - The largest pizza ever made was 13,580 square feet. Sounds like a whole lot - unless you’ve hosted a kid’s birthday party.

18 CFP (was 24) - A lot of people like how college football playoff has managed to incorporate a bunch of bowls like the Orange Bowl, the Rose Bowl, the Sugar Bowl . . . I’m just happy it doesn’t include the Pop-Tarts Bowl. See, I tried to watch the Pop-Tarts Bowl with my wife and the whole time she’s saying. “Oh look, there’s a Pop-Tart, and there’s another Pop-Tart. Look what that Pop-Tart doing and what that Pop-Tart is doing.” Who gives a shit about the damn Pop-Tarts?!! I want to watch the game.

19 Making People Laugh (was 12) - A new study says that trying not to laugh actually makes people laugh harder. So please when you are reading to my jokes, try not to laugh.

20 A Good BM (was 18) - The average person churns out a quarter pound of poop per day. So the next time you are having a quarter pounder, try not to think of that.

21 Pickleball (was 23) - A good number of people find pickleball very annoying and they worry about its popularity. I say nothing to worry about. Because pretty much everyone who plays pickleball will be dead soon.

22 6-7 (was 21) - Seems like we may be moving from 6-7 to 4-1. Why? I don’t know. All I know is we are moving further away from 6-9.

23 Taylor Swift (was 19) - I asked my daughters why they were sad and they said because Taylor Swift got knocked off the top of the charts by Joe Kerry. I said “What the hell is Joe Perry doing at the top of the charts? He’s 75 years old.” They said, “No Dad, Joe Kerry’s like 30 years old.” I said, “What hell are you talking about? Aerosmith is even more than 30 years old.” They said, “No Dad, he was in Post Animal.” I said, “What the hell is Post Animal?” They said, “Don’t worry Dad, he just goes by Joe now and spells it with a D. I said,”How the hell do you spell Joe with a D? They said, “Dad, check the top of the Spotify charts.” And I said “What the hell is Spotify?!” 

24 ChatGPT (was 22) - I have a new best friend and his name is ChatGPT. Yes, I realize the ChatGPT is not a real person - now.

25 Neil Diamond (New) The brand new Neil Diamond movie is getting great reviews and it turns out that Song Sung Blue is not about a guy singing with blue balls.