1/19/2025
FGCU is back on a winning streak, crushing it in their games on the 11th, 16th, and 18th. This seems to be on behalf of the team’s new player, Sports McHuman. McHuman joined the team a few weeks ago without any prior basketball experience yet has been consistently leading games along with Eagles forward, Keeshawn Kellman (who scored 21 points alone against the Queens University of Charlotte Royals). While Kellman regularly displays impressive athleticism, McHuman’s methods are slightly more controversial, stirring up some questions and complaints after releasing onto the opponents a plague of 5000 rats.
“Yeah, so he’s definitely a vampire, right?” says West Georgia Wolves coach Joel Taylor.
“I mean, I’ll admit, the Eagles have a lot of really great players. But the new guy has definitely made several plays by turning into a bat.” continues Taylor.
Hey, it just sounds to me like SOMEONE can’t handle an 82-60 loss.
We reached out to Sports McHuman to ask about his thoughts on the controversy, all he had to say was “Vwhaaaaat? That is-a-crrrazy! I am-a-just a humble college student with an on-campus-a-castle just like everyone else.”
Well, vampire or not, here’s hoping FGCU can stay awake enough to keep the winning streak, considering all future games suddenly got scheduled for the middle of the night.
1/12/2025
This is my fault. Saturday, January 4th, the Eagles lost their winning streak, being beaten by the Royals 92-83. This was also the same day that I shoplifted from a magic parlor.
I didn’t think the owner would notice! He was around 4 feet tall, wearing a velvet red tuxedo and completely hairless. He was busy shoving live doves into the sleeves of a coat and I took a wand. But in my defense, it was a really cool wand. It had a dragon on it and doubled as a pen.
Further in my defense, stealing is also really cool.
Everyone I know steals, it’s a way of sticking it to the man, dealing a blow to big business. All I was doing was dealing a blow to big independently owned small business.
The smooth short and shiny sorcerer must’ve cursed me, in turn throwing the game. For that he’ll pay. Dearly. Fortunately, the curse must’ve only lasted a single game as FGCU beat North Alabama 75-70 on the 9th.
That doesn’t change what happened. He may be able to make a rabbit disappear. But I’d like to see that magician sleight of hand my fist out of his mouth.
1/4/2025
So this is what it feels like to be on top of the world, huh? Everyone told me it was "unhealthy to hinge my mood and overall mental wellbeing on a college basketball team,” but look at me now. After the games on December 28th and January 2nd, FGCU is on a three game winning streak. I feel like I can do anything without consequence. For the past week I’ve been binge eating Chicago style hot-dogs and making a hell of a lot of in-game purchases on Call of Duty.
Wait. What if it’s all one big dream?
Have I been incepted?
Taken on a trip down Mulholland Drive?
Is this some strange, college hoops-themed Land of Oz?
No no no. The Eagles beat Richmond 75-57. And then West Georgia 79-68, they had to have. Right? I need this. I need this so bad. If the Eagles don’t keep winning, I’m going to start feeling the weight of my actions.
So please, if anyone on the team in reading this, I ask you: how bad reeeeeally are a few PEDs?
12/28/2024
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED. THEY WON! THEY FINALLY WON! ON SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22ND FGCU BEAT FLORIDA TECH 79-62 HAHAHAHA I’M SO EXCITED! THE LOSING STREAK IS OVER! THIS IS PERHAPS THE SINGLE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I ALMOST GOT ONTO SHARK TANK ONCE. IF I EVER HAVE A KID I’M NAMING IT “THE EAGLES”.
Oh my God, I did just lose a lot of money though.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my team and I hate to see them lose, but I was making a solid chunk of change betting against them. Can you blame a guy for following a pattern? But hey, money is a made up construct and one day, we’ll live in a world where the only debit card you need is your mind. At least that’s what I tell my bookie, landlord and the guy from the casino.
Dallion Johnson scored like crazy this game, netting a total 25 points himself, helping the Eagles make an awesome comeback in the second half after being down by a point in the first. Hopefully this is a turning point for FGCU this season because I’d feel a whole lot better making money off of the team’s wins than its losses. It could be the solution to what my therapist calls a “life-ruiningly debilitating gambling problem."
12/22/2024
All I asked Santa for this year was for the FGCU Men’s team to get a win. I guess I’ll have to settle for this crappy PS5 instead. On Wednesday the 18th, the Eagles faced the UNCW Seahawks where they were again beaten by just a few points. The final score was 79-66. FGCU has played well, but their opponents continue to play just a little bit better. The team’s doctor believes this losing streak may be directly related to a “lack of the Christmas spirit.” Perhaps the edge the Eagles need is increased circulation via the players’ hearts growing three sizes. When asked if this was a viable solution, coach Pat Chambers said “Well no, isn’t that just from The Grinch?”
Following his response, the players all threw rocks at coach Chambers before piling onto their charter bus and setting course for Whoville. Zavian McLean continues to shine, scoring 20 points in this game. McLean spoke to the rest of the team around halftime, where he was quoted saying “Guys it isn’t golf rules.”
Hopefully the Eagles can finally break this losing streak after discovering the true meaning of Christmas. I’m not entirely sure it’s a strategy that will work, but the team’s doctor, Theodor Seuss Geisel, swears by it.
12/14/2024
This past Sunday the 8th, the FGCU Eagles played a close game against the LSU Tigers. The tense contest ended with a narrow win by LSU, the score being 80-71. Most of the crowd sat on the edge of their seats, but one group of people seemed largely confused. A small part of the bleachers were occupied by fans of the Boston College Eagles, who were unaware and utterly shocked by the fact that there could be more than one team called The Eagles. Initially they thought they were attending a BC game, but they started to get suspicious at the end of the first half. LSU was winning 42-27 and the BC fans realized that not one person in the stadium was eating clam chowder or nursing a Sam Adams.
As FGCU started to make a comeback in the second half, it occurred to the BC fans that this wasn’t a Boston crowd at all. Heck, no fights had broken out in the audience whatsoever, good news considering there were no Harvard doctors around to dress the wounds, and the sentiment towards the New York Yankees was almost eerily neutral.
FGCU scored higher in the second half with 44-38, unfortunately not enough to take the lead from LSU, all the while a bunch of confused Econ majors from BC were looking up college basketball naming rules on the walk to the nearest Dunkin’.
At least the BC fans got the satisfaction of seeing a basketball game, the very thing they had set out to do. The same cannot be said for the group of people next to them, die hard fans of the band, “The Eagles”. Upon realizing they weren’t seeing a concert, they made the depressing walk back not to the Hotel California, but to a Motel 6.
12/7/2024
This past Wednesday, the Florida Gulf Coast Eagles hosted the Furman Paladins in what became an incredibly tense game ending in a very narrow victory for the Paladins. Despite the suspenseful action of the game, I found it hard to pay attention due to the fact that for the tenth consecutive year, the top artist on my Spotify wrapped is “Stinger Sirloin”. I do not know who this artist is and I have never once listened to her yet somehow by the end of the year my Spotify tells me I’ve listened to her for 2 billion hours. In one year! I digress.
In the first half of the game, FGCU broke into a lead, scoring 44 points with Furman coming in short at 33. I’m sure there were some killer plays here but I was more focused on the fact that my top listened song was “The Star Spangled Banner (Stinger’s version)”, a rendition of the national anthem that Stinger performs in a music genre she created called “stinque”.
Moving into the game’s second half, Furman decided it was time for a comeback, overtaking FGCU by scoring 43 points while the Eagles only scored 29. The game was tight and action packed, but resulted in an unfortunate loss for the Eagles on their home turf. I empathize with the Eagles as I also feel my home turf is being invaded as Stinger Sirloin will not stop directly sending me handwritten letters asking me to buy her alcohol. I’m literally 20, I don’t know what she expects me to do.
Overall this is not entirely a loss for FGCU. The highest scoring player in the game was Eagles guard Zavian McLean, scoring a total 19 points. The Eagles put up quite a fight against Furman, let’s hope they can keep that fight going as the season goes on. And let’s hope I find better luck using Apple Music.
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