South Carolina will Win the NCAA Women's Tournament - Reasons Why By Trey Allwood

Latest Reasons

4. In the final four, the Gamecocks will face the Texas Longhorns, a team they beat not even a month ago. We can only hope the Longhorns are employing a coaching strategy where they don’t learn from any of their mistakes.

3. South Carolina just revealed their new streaming service, Gamecock. It’s the only place where you can watch really poorly recorded bootlegs of the office in every language except for English. An announcement this big would only be made with the confidence that the team is about to win this whole tournament.

2. I’ve given a lot of money to an anonymous Longhorns player to throw the game. Around halftime, you’ll start to notice loose banana peels up and down the entire Texas bench. Then, the slipping will begin.

1. If they lose, I can’t write any more of these lists and I neeeed attention, oh my god I need attention so bad.

More Reasons

5. The University of South Carolina is the largest university by enrollment in the state. This means that if the team starts to lose, they’ve also got the largest ARMY in the state. Rushing the court and changing the score would be all too easy.

4. They’ve already started ordering “2025 Tournament Champions” merch for the whole team so honestly it would be uncool for the other teams to make that a waste of money.

3. If you look at the schedule for the next game, it currently says the Gamecocks are up against “TBD”. I’ve never heard of this team in my life, can’t even begin to understand what state their acronym is supposed to be. When I click on their team, there’s literally no stats. Oh ok so South Carolina is going up against a team who hasn’t played ANY games? Yeah, I’ve got a guess as to who’ll come out on top.

2. They’ve got Sania Feagin, a BEAST on the court. She was part of the first group of Gamecocks to win not just one, but TWO National Championships. She regularly scores in the double digits and the NCAA runs regular tests to make sure she’s fully human (they suspect she’s part G.O.A.T.).

1. I bought a cameo from Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’leary saying that South Carolina would win the tournament. That’s the guy from Shark Tank. I figure if he knows how to make the right business decisions, he also knows how to make the right basketball decisions. I hope this scheme works, he charges $1500 for cameos, that’s real. Look it up.

Original Reasons

5. The element of confusion. Their mascot is the Gamecock. The other team won’t even notice South Carolina scoring like crazy because they’ll still be wondering “what the hell is a Gamecock?”

4. They’re the number 2 ranked team and have gone 30-3 overall. That’s wild, I can hardly even COUNT that number of wins. In fact, typically I can only count to 4, so I had to put a lot of effort into this list.

3. Their Gatorade cooler has “cool blue” Gatorade. Everyone knows that’s the best Gatorade. It’s not trying to be a fancy blend of fruit flavors like “cucumber lime” or “glacier cherry”. It literally just tastes like the color blue. Delicious.

2. They’ve already won NCAA championships in 2017, 2022, and 2024. And as far as I understand, they’re not stopping until they have enough trophies to start using them as bowling pins.

1. I mailed the entire team PEDs.

Trey Allwood