Maryland Basketball Updates - with the Comedic Stylings of Paul Joseph

2/23/2025

The Terps Undefeated Week of Dominance

Your ranked Maryland Terrapins men's basketball team has been on a tear this week, racking up impressive wins, dodging traps, clawing their way to the top, and leaving the competition steamed, like a crab at Phillips Seafood house.  The Free State has not had a sports week this good since native son Michael Phelps and native daughter Katie Ledecky struck gold at consecutive Olympics.  

Monday: Cornhusker Conquest

The week kicked off with the Terps traveling to Nebraska to face the 'huskers. Luckily for your favorite turtle-themed sports team, Queen dropped 24 for UMD, and Reese dominated the boards with 12, leaving Nebraska still better known for growing corn than shooting hoops.  Terps get W #1 of the week. 

Wednesday: Hawkeye Humbling

Returning home to the Xfinity Center, the Terps took on the Iowa Hawkeyes, their second Mid-west school from a corn-themed state of the week. Gillespie was on fire, dropping 26 points like they were hot, and dishing out 7 assists like free samples at Costco.  True to form, Iowa had their "Midwest Nice" down to a science as they graciously inviting the rude east coasters to rack up an NBA-like 101 points for the win.  Instead of a Field of Dreams for the Hawkeyes, it was a court of nightmares as the Terps' offensive prowess was on full display.   

Saturday: Trojan Takedown

The week culminated in a matchup against the USC Trojans, recently known for the Varsity Blues scandal, where rich parents paid big money to get their kids into school as fake student-athletes.  Unfortunately, some of those fake athletes must still be on the hoops team, as they let Rodney Rice popoff for 22 points, while Queen grabbed rebounds like he was collecting rent. The Terps' defense stifled the Trojans, leading to an 88-71 victory, and turning the Trojan's hopes for a Hollywood blockbuster into a sad reality show. 

Riding into one of the biggest games of the year so far, #14 ranked Michigan State, Maryland’s winning streak hasn’t just boosted team confidence—it’s got them strutting through the Big Ten.  Fans are buzzing like a freshman after a Red Bull-fueled all-nighter, and Xfinity Center sounds like a dorm party before campus security shows up.  Even our mascot Testudo has been walking around with sunglasses on indoors.  Can't wait to see if these Terps can keep it up. 

2/17/2025

Terps Still Ranked, Baby!!

In the rollercoaster world of college basketball, the Maryland Terrapins men's team has taken fans on a wild ride.  

February 7: The Buckeye Blunder

The Terrapins strutted into Columbus, a tad overconfident, only to be ambushed by Ohio State's Bruce Thornton, who channeled his inner Steph Curry and dropped a whopping 31 points. Despite building a 17-point lead, Maryland watched it evaporate faster than free pizza at a college dorm, culminating in a 73-70 loss.

February 9: Scarlet Knights and Shining Armor

Back in the cozy, crab-cake-scented confines of College Park, the Terps welcomed Rutgers like a club bouncer with a strict "no New Jersey" policy (always a sensible rule). Terp frosh phenom Derik Queen played it like a medieval joust, not letting these Scarlet Knights steal his shine.  He dropped 29, grabbed 15 boards, and led UMD to the win. 

February 14: Cornhusker Conundrum

Valentine's Day saw the Terps spreading the love in Lincoln, Nebraska. Despite Nebraska's Juwan Gary trying to play heartbreaker with his 22 points, Maryland held firm, clinching an 83-75 win. The only thing sweeter than chocolates on this day was the taste of victory.

February 16: Hawkeye Hullabaloo

Just when fans thought they'd seen it all, the Terrapins hosted Iowa in a game that can only be described as a tale of two halves. Trailing by four at halftime, Maryland must have had a locker room pep talk worthy of a Hollywood script. They stormed back onto the court (as fast as a turtle can), outscoring the Hawkeyes 54-24 in the second half and transformed a potential upset into a 101-75 blowout. Note to future opponents: beware the second-half Terrapins.

The Terrapin Tango

In true Maryland fashion, the past two weeks have been a dance of highs and lows, but this team is sitting pretty riding up to March Madness. 

2/2/2025

A few weeks ago, your favorite turtle-themed men's basketball team was middling (which is like the middle child syndrome but with more siblings), unranked, left-out, overlooked, and coming off a loss to lowly Northwestern (who is not lowly academically as my son who has applied to go there for college points out). 

Then, almost immediately after I started covering the Terps for Dave "Bills Heartbreak" Barend, the Chesapeake ballers’ touch has turned to gold! Coincidence?? I think not. You do the math.  Since my last posting, the Shelluminati have thrown down a winning streak hotter than DC beltway road rage during rush hour. My old Latin teacher will cry the fallacy of Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc (after this, therefore because of this), but the timing is uncanny. 

Four game winning steak (Nebraska, Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin), two against ranked opponents, returning to the Top 25 rankings (according to the Associated Press, if not Barend’s more accurate fridge Domination Rankings), and landing its highest ever recruit, #2, five-star ranked high schooler Zion Elee (for football, but still).  And, if that was not enough, try to curb your enthusiasm, because last week the Shell Shockers received an anonymous $10 million donation to the men’s hoops team (speculated to be from former U of Maryland student Larry David. Seriously.).  

And don’t worry, if the Old Bay Bombers end up offering me an honorary position with the program, which I don’t see why they would not at this point, I will be sure to conspicuously note my affiliation with the team in my College Basketball Times postings, so as not to jeopardize CBT’s charitable status. Either way, I’m taking full credit for this mid-season turn-around.  Bring on the Ohio Bucknuts next.

1/26/2025

Each week this year the Terps have had a rollercoaster of a week (who hasn't really?), and this last one was predictably on-brand.  

Your favorite (or possibly the only) turtle-themed college hoops squad had a shell-shocking (see what I did there) start to the week with a nail-biter versus the doormat Cornhuskers.  Nebraska is a mid-major who turned out to not be so "mid."  Maryland forgot how to rebound, defend, and, well…basketball. But down the stretch, the Terps did what it needed to shuck the Huskers and pull out the close win. 

So, there was not much room for optimism when the Terps headed to Illinois later that week to face the #17 ranked Illini on the road in a conference matchup.  But UMD mascot Testudo got a fresh coat of wax and Reese and Queen (yes, that sounds like a detective buddy show but is actually the name of Maryland's dynamic duo of big men) popped off for a combined 62 points.  The Terps crushed Illinois, racked up 91 total points, notched their second straight win against a ranked opponent, and drank champagne in Champaign (IL) to savor the win. 

Optimism is high for the next matchup against hoops blue bloods the Indiana Hoosier, where Maryland fans will once again cycle through all five stages of grief in 40 minutes.  It’s been a very “Maryland” week for the Terrapins: chaotic, confusing, and occasionally brilliant. But hey, we wouldn’t have it any other way. Go Terps!

1/19/2025

Buckle up kids, the Maryland Terps men's basketball team will win the national championships this year!  Mark my words.

Yes, I wrote that in January 2002 . . . and I was right!  That was a great team in the heyday of the ACC who finally got the Duke Blue Devils off their backs. 

After 23 years, I'm ready to make another Terrapin prediction. In 2025, the Terps will make the Final Four . . . for best player names: Ja'Kobi, Jahari, Tafara, Deshawn, Malachi, and Selton.  That's a solid lineup of names. Maybe Dave 501(c)(3) Barend will put out a domination rankings for player names.

Game respects game though, so I will have to admit that Rhode Island is going to be tough to beat with a player actually named Always Wright. And NC Central and Cincinnati have players named Po'Boigh King and Jizzle James, respectively. 

"But Nostradamus, what about their basketball skills?", you ask.  Oh right, I forgot about that part. On the court, the Terps are in trouble.  A losing record in the Big 10 (a name the conference has stubbornly clung to despite having 18 teams), winless on the road, and bringing a losing streak into its 1/19/25 game against the Cornhuskers. 

Stay-tuned for my next college hoops update . . . on best team uniforms.